WW/WAW Looking for advice from the pros (Sandi)

[asitis]

After your A was discovered, what did the C recommend? Did the two of you actually follow through with therapy or did you just kind of let it go?

We went to C for a year. We worked on having more open communication and being transparent. No locks on phones or computers. To be honest a lot of the therapy was more to help our relationship and wasn't centered so much on helping her work through my betrayal. And to be honest after the second year I became frustrated with her inability to "forgive and forget". I see that was very selfish and uncaring of me now. I've spent the last two days reading both DB and DR and there is so much more I could have done.

To be honest I've learned just how many things I was doing wrong. I wish we could R so that I could show her just how much I've learned and how things could be better and different. I hope I don't have to take those lessons to a different relationship.

You can't start over again, and you got a lot of selfish between you and the A, so it will take a long time. I'm not surprised W is baiting you, as she has built up quite a bit of rage. You did well not to take the bait.

Just keep practicing the I'm not a selfish bastard, I recognized that you suffered STFU smoothies, listening, and validating. Buy some stock in STFU smoothies, because you are likely going to be contributing to some profitable quarters.

You can't really replay the healing from infidelity process that MWD outlines in that chapter of DR, but I suspect that there are a lot of tips about the way to approach your very hurt W that you can glean from it. She is going to go through a lot of starts and stops, testing and venting, approaching and distancing. You have a different kind of rollercoaster to ride than some of us, but you seem to have your head and heart in the right place.

Good luck, & good job on getting through the selfish, aren't you going to let it go phase.