Husband A for one year

[rdy2chg]

Matt777 I am in! I need to read and re-read to get some ideas. I was the angry mean person and i want to become the loving supporting partner.

I am unsure how to do that without pursuing though?!
He loves being told how amazing he is and ect but that seems to push him away also. I am also not sure if his A will ever end since it is going on a year. It certainly makes me think.
But then I bring myself back to we always end up together. then im torn between how much do I put up with? This is probably the hardest thing i have ever gone through. I want to keep fighting for my M to keep this blended family together for me and for the kids.

I do not want to put three kids through this again. I want to be a better person, friend mom, and hopefully girlfriend again. I am just so unsure of what to do! I know i can do a 180 and be kind! it seems fake though because of all of the resentment and anger.

I know a lot of my resentment comes from the cheating but some of it comes from I am always the one to take him back yet when i mess up he just wants to walk away. it also comes from i spent 2 years working 2-3 jobs while he was on unemployment or unemployed going to school. sure he helped pay bills with student loans but i was still the one keeping us a float making sure kids got to activities those were paid and he could still race. i never put my self first.

I always feel bad if i ask him to watch the kids on the days he goes out and i feel bad just to say no. i dont want them to think i dont want to watch them he always says he will ask his mom. so then i will look bad becasue i wont watch the kids even though i am home.

I have been belittling unsupportive mean hateful resentful controllingm distant ect i take blame for my part. i am just so unsure of how to change me! any help or ideas are more than welcome!