Roller coaster emotions. Rereading my posts brought back some old pain. Old hope that is lost. Old optimism that is shattered now that I have lost my dream job and the dream of saving this broken marriage. My life felt like an open book last summer, and now it feels like a tragic ending. I think the job loss is really hard for me to accept because I lost my confidence in my abilities to excel in the career path I chose. I don't know if I will be able to get it back.
But I pulled myself up when I felt down. Heard my mother's words--STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND RECLAIM YOUR HOME AND CHILDREN. So I did what I could.
I did everything I could from my to do list. Waiting to hear back from parents to set up my schedule for next week. That is stressing me out, but it will all come together I'm sure.
S13 decided to go to camp tomorrow, which is good. I have plans tomorrow night and H is going to take the kids out to dinner. He has actually been civil to me today. I had some questions for him about mail and other household tidbits and he answered with civility--first time since Memorial Day weekend that he treated me like someone who isn't an enemy. I didn't feel any tension, but he did spend a lot of time outside cleaning his car. Maybe my change in attitude is helping. I'm not holding out hope that we are going to be ready to fix our R, but I am hopeful that maybe some of the hateful feelings might not have to loom over us all of the time.
Who knows. I'm not going to put too much stake in the "not-so-awful" interactions of today. But I am going to appreciate the fact that I don't feel ok about being home right now. I look forward to my tomorrow plans. It should be fun.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
