Just Fishin'

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Mahhty,

I may have mentioned this before to you but you are now entering the 6-9 months after trauma period where the crisis adrenaline that had been feeding your brain and motivating you for so long shuts down and depression to some extent or another sets in. Basically it's a little PTSD symptoms.

Guard yourself and try to stay motivated. You're in the best shape of your life, don't let it go.

[mahhhty]

GB... Thank you! Your post is pretty well timed and definitely a reminder to stay on track. I know I have been sliding. I have been slacking on lifting for a long time, and been having beer regularly during the week. I have 1 more beer in the house and I'm not going to stock the fridge anymore, and I'm working out in about an hour for the first time in a week! Thank you for swinging by!

[NDY]

Oooft Matt.'I just bought beer and haven't trained in two weeks. Now I feel guilty.

[mahhhty]

Oooft Matt.'I just bought beer and haven't trained in two weeks. Now I feel guilty.

NDY... Hahahaha. Enjoy its almost the weekend.

[mahhhty]

This is probably my last post before Monday.

Quick update & a question...

Just had an exchange with X. Over the last couple months one on one discussions are basically non-existent and when they occur only through text or email. I understand the dynamics of pursuing, but I am also finding that the more I detach it seems the more she detaches. It seems she is like a mirror, the more of anything I do the more she does, in a purely reactive nature.

I also had a discussion with her Mom (I was not prying at all, it came up organically), she stated that X holds grudges. I know that to be true, as well, she is very passive & stubborn.

So my question is... Should I change my approach in anyway to test this theory (the mirror theory)?

[Bob723]

Hello Mahhhty,

Not sure how to answer that one. Sorry.

A friend passed this along to me today. I found it encouraging and wanted to share it with you, buddy:

Faith…Trust…Hope…Confidence…Love…Attitude

{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain,
on the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH

{2}
When you throw a baby in the air,
she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

That's TRUST

{3}
Every night we go to bed,
without any assurance of being alive the next morning
but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow
in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE

{5}
We see the world suffering,
but still we get married and have children.

That's LOVE

{6}
On an old lady's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 80 years old....
I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience'

That's ATTITUDE

Have a happy day,

Live your life like the six stories above!

[Vanilla]

Mty,

If what you are doing isn't working what could you do differently?

How could you test your mirror theory without spoiling your current strategy?

V

[mahhhty]

V & Bob.... Thanks for stopping by.

I've been off the reservation lately. Going out to paddle as much as possible to get out of the house. The quiet here irks me, and working out of your house is even worse. For the most part things on most fronts are fine. I turned down a promotion but was phone interviewed for another job, as well as, TOLD I was taking a new position at my current company. So change is happening. My startups are growing and becoming a little stressful. They are big big opportunities.

[asitis]

After the D is finalize, I'm not surprised that both of you are detaching. It isn't like an S or BD. It is a D. Just let the dust settle & GAL. I don't think anything you do one way or the other will hasten things toward less distance at this point.

Are their any indirect connections? Mutual friends, people from your or or activities, etc. that she knows & might run into? If so, she will be keeping tabs on you. Just keep the PMA and looking like you are doing fine wo/ her. If she holds a grudge, that will take some air out of her sails and get her thinking about how miserable her life likely is. Maybe it isn't miserable, but as long as she thinks she is punishing you, she doesn't have to focus on herself.

You also may not even be aware of what she is doing to not let you get too far out of sight. Checking happens. Just like you in a sense were checking via her mother, she is likely doing so in her own way, but you don't know about it (yet). Again, maybe not. Either way, what is there to do but let the dust settle some more and see what happens.

Next time you do have real contact, see how things go. Don't expect much, but just see how things go. Then give it some more time. Let her digest that.

After D, if you are serious about standing in there, you know that the rules have changed so that you can't talk about getting the kind of feedback we look for in days or weeks, or even months.

Are you getting out and doing things with other people (I don't mean dating), but you only mention a solo activity, & your work sounds somewhat isolating. I sense some depression that might be helped by some socializing.

[mahhhty]

My mirror theory... I constantly think of the Gandi quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." That is underlying the mirror theory, b/c it always seems (or I make it seem) that I get back something similar to what I put in.

So V... I read your response and decided to test immediately. My test was going to be to engage her an the next email chain and be pleasant and to try and keep it going. She wrote me an email on the 27th and I dropped right in. I would say that I accomplished what I wanted but that the test failed (as I was the last one to respond, asked her direct questions to which she did not respond in turn). More over the lack of response (and things that were said in previous emails), lead me to now be suspicious and angry. I didn't put it all together until after she neglected to respond.

She emailed to set up a date for her family to bring a trailer and get the W/D and some other things. Then she stated "I am going on a trip and had to amend the schedule for July." At the time I assumed a business trip and responded in kind, making small talk. She responded and then I sent the final response: "Perhaps it was just a phase. Hopefully he's over it. I get mixed messages from your Mom about your Dad. Is this something he should be doing? Clothes... I'm a little short on summer clothes and pjs. Where is work sending you anyway? Hopefully not Dallas or somewhere already too hot."

And she has not yet responded. During some reflection the non-response and the sentence about the trip lead me to believe it isn't for work. And therefore, she is forgoing another week with the kids for something or someone else. I really want to respond but that comes from a place of anger.

With all of that I think....
- Why does this bother me?
- If someone else is involved and I don't know at this point, what does that say about her? her family?
- She CHOOSE to give up 50% of her time with the kids. And she continually chooses to re-do the schedule which is putting the kids with me more than 50% of the time.
- She cares about HER.
- She is not the person I married. She does not care about me at all. She choose to walk away from me, instead of try to confront or stand with me.

To say the least G. Bulldog was right about the 6-9 month window, and the anger associated with it.