On the way to my IC today and guess who I run into in the street. She didn't see me and I didn't say anything, just walked on by and let myself feel.
My IC told me that my feelings of "I can't handle this" is normal and that "I'm not strong enough to do this" is normal. Being a strong person means having tough challenges and dong your own thing in spite of them, in other words keep trying, and do it anyway. I will still have feelings of being overwhelmed, feel scared feel out of control but as long as they don't paralyze me, that's a good thing, that is demonstrating STRENGTH.
That was good to hear and gave me a boost. I told him about my job eval which I got today and was a B instead of the A I usualy get and he said that was really really good becuase of my crap year. He said most people would not have gotten the B. I said yes, maybe. He had me frame my dissapointment over the B into a joy that I did not get an F. Does that make sense? I hope so.
I am prioritizing what needs to happen, making a plan and will focus on the plan until all of this uncertainty is over. I was moaning about not feeling 100% and he just looked at me and said "listen, this will take you a while to process, just take it a day at a time and stop beating yourself up." He asked where did I get all of this negative self worth?
I said I thought that was called "ambition" and to keep going for what you wanted in life and when you didn't get it, try harder and if you still didn't get it, try again, which leads to self defeating thoughts about worth and value and judgements and all of those negative ideas.
My D6 had a hard night last night after talking to W on the phone and cried so hard and she told me she cries when she is at W's house for me. I held her tightly and told her how much we love her and nothing will change that. I told her you will see Momma tomorrow! I rubbed her back until she went to sleep.
I reisted the urge to text my W something mean like "Hope you are happy you have upset our D6 so much."
