Please don't feel alone. My friends are also at a loss what to say, and if you have dude-ier friends than I do...yours probably love you but are still at a loss.
I need people, too. The other day someone asked me if I was seeing professional, and yes, an IC, divorce support group...they asked, is it helping, and I started crying. No. Not always helping and barely coming close some days.
I do the things you do. I did. Over 45 days of NC, and I am regaining sanity. Your letter, in it, you say that you want to keep talking to her...but you know she has no answers...and it is hurting you...
Would you consider that to heal from your S, and to get to a place where something - whether true piecing or moving forward is possible - that you may benefit from a more positive kind of darkness with your W?
Your dark thoughts worry me, too. Keep posting. And is it possible to find another IC that you can work with? We know each other only virtually, but I think of you, too. You matter, TLEE. Maybe not as much as you want to your W at the moment, and you're not getting the validation you want from her...but you matter a great deal and I know you will feel/inspire love again in the future.
Please go feel the sunshine on your face. Remind yourself how much power and light you are full of. Celebrate you, enjoy your dogs, and maybe go help and validate someone else...that is healing, too. To have friends, be a friend...
As far as the letter, here's my offering:
Dear W,
We have been S over 10 months and you are still living with another man. I feel it is necessary at this time to separate our finances. I am giving you this as a courtesy notice so you can prepare to finance xyz by __date___.
I am working on making the changes I need to in my life, and I am moving forward. You know the rest of my feelings.
TLEE
(and don't respond with a lot more than 'ok', 'got it' and that kind of thing unless she makes a real effort in the future - she has to be the one to discuss turning this around. --------------------------
Tlee, what you have been doing is not working.
In fact, nothing may!
But, being there to talk and let her tug on the rope whenever SHE needs validation, drama, or what have you...it is not yielding anything new - or mental hygiene for you.
All my opinion, and you can tell me to shove it if you like.
I like Toots question - what are the good things you can do for you tomorrow? The next day? What if TLEE was one of your friends, how would you see him and coach him?
Give yourself the love and treatment you most need dear TLEE.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
