My W basically said what your friend just did. It is hard to hear, as you didn't intend that. It is not something you can do much about right now, as your W (as mine isn't either) isn't open to having you make up for that by showing you the Heavy 2.0 full of love, respect, and nurture. Very frustrating. I tried for a long time & it didn't go over well.
Keep doing what you are doing. Hopefully we will both get the chance to show our Ws what they deserved and we really intended to show them all along sometime in the not too distant future.
If nothing else, we are both better at having a healthy R in the future no matter who it is with. It would just be a shame if our Ws aren't the beneficiary of that hard lesson we learned and the pain it caused them.
Stay strong.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Right - it's so obvious now that she wasn't happy (for whatever reasons that don't matter) and I tried to be some one I am not.
I am enough. If I am not the right person for her or give her what she wants and needs then OK. I am not the right person for her. But I am the right person for ME. I don't have to be criticized for NOT being the right person. She doesn't have the right to threaten me to get me to respond. I have the right to just be ME.
Yes, hard lesson learned. I am sorry for any pain that was caused.
Amazing post ... I could have written so much of what you shared .. and yes ... you get it, it is all about YOU and has nothing to do with her, she is on her own journey .. in her own crisis and you were so close to that its hard not to get sucked into it.
I truly think you are on your way to Heavy 2.0. Now comes the hard part .. with that post .. you may even want to print it and reflect on it from time to time. What are the changes you want to make, who do you want to be, the old Heavy did have some good traits .... keep those, then slowly replace the bad ones with ones you want, traits you admire from others, keep at it and do not let anything/anyone derail you from this much needed transformation. If there is a magic bullet in all this, I feel you have just loaded it into the chamber.
I have FOUND ME and will never let myself get lost like that again. I don't know what the future holds, but I am pretty sure it will be OK, I will be OK, and my kids will be OK.
I have FOUND ME and will never let myself get lost like that again. I don't know what the future holds, but I am pretty sure it will be OK, I will be OK, and my kids will be OK.
Booya. Well said.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I really like what your friend said to you. Yeah, it is all about unconditional ACCEPTANCE for who you really are as you are. I read somewhere a wise quote about M: don't go into it expecting to change the other person. How true.
On the way to my IC today and guess who I run into in the street. She didn't see me and I didn't say anything, just walked on by and let myself feel.
My IC told me that my feelings of "I can't handle this" is normal and that "I'm not strong enough to do this" is normal. Being a strong person means having tough challenges and dong your own thing in spite of them, in other words keep trying, and do it anyway. I will still have feelings of being overwhelmed, feel scared feel out of control but as long as they don't paralyze me, that's a good thing, that is demonstrating STRENGTH.
That was good to hear and gave me a boost. I told him about my job eval which I got today and was a B instead of the A I usualy get and he said that was really really good becuase of my crap year. He said most people would not have gotten the B. I said yes, maybe. He had me frame my dissapointment over the B into a joy that I did not get an F. Does that make sense? I hope so.
I am prioritizing what needs to happen, making a plan and will focus on the plan until all of this uncertainty is over. I was moaning about not feeling 100% and he just looked at me and said "listen, this will take you a while to process, just take it a day at a time and stop beating yourself up." He asked where did I get all of this negative self worth?
I said I thought that was called "ambition" and to keep going for what you wanted in life and when you didn't get it, try harder and if you still didn't get it, try again, which leads to self defeating thoughts about worth and value and judgements and all of those negative ideas.
My D6 had a hard night last night after talking to W on the phone and cried so hard and she told me she cries when she is at W's house for me. I held her tightly and told her how much we love her and nothing will change that. I told her you will see Momma tomorrow! I rubbed her back until she went to sleep.
I reisted the urge to text my W something mean like "Hope you are happy you have upset our D6 so much."
My D6 had a hard night last night after talking to W on the phone and cried so hard and she told me she cries when she is at W's house for me. I held her tightly and told her how much we love her and nothing will change that. I told her you will see Momma tomorrow! I rubbed her back until she went to sleep.
I reisted the urge to text my W something mean like "Hope you are happy you have upset our D6 so much."
Its hard to resist saying something mean to our W's, with all the destruction they do to everyone. Regardless of what she did, you did what was right.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Glad you resisted urge to text your W. Would not have helped. You did excellent to just focus on your D's needs right there in front of it.
To the excellent post you had in response to mine, one of the biggest changes that occurred for me was realizing that I had been auditioning for great H worthy of W's love. That's pursuit and comes across as disingenuous. When I changed to just being me, recognizing that I already was a great H, I was able to relax a whole lot and my dynamics changed. I've seen that in your threads, and I'm glad you recognize it in yourself.
And your IC is right, those feelings are normal. Further, strong, courageous people get scared and have doubts. Our media presents heroes in a very unrealistic way (want to see some realistic heroes, read Homer's Iliad - they cry, run away, and cower at times, but that isn't what defines them). The difference between the strong, courageous people and those who aren't, is that the former don't let those fears and doubts take control of them and succumb to them. You've already shown you are the former, so don't let some of those feelings bother you or shake your confidence in yourself. You're doing very well.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
