Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Wow, one month since my last update. Time has been flying by.

Work always picks up in the summer as does my play time. I have been trying to keep on working on myself and have been doing fairly well.

I do not communicate with the XW much, don't want to. I still have anger towards her and don't feel like conversing with her.

Had a couple difficult days in the last month. I had my oldest's b-day party. I took the boys camping, at their request, and had lots of fun. I got emotional at night and cried a little while I sat alone at the campfire. I was sad about the situation and that the kids could not have mom and dad together anymore. It was also hard to have a b-day without the family together. I feel like the boys are being cheated.

Then there was father's day and a combined b-day party where I invited friends and family over to celebrate both boys b-days; they were born a month apart.

I noticed I had slowed my GAL a little bit so I started keeping a "To Do" list that I have been consulting and that has helped.

Over the years I have wanted to exercise but never have gotten to make it a habit. I am trying again and have purchased some kettle bells and a mace. I have a friend who has been doing this stuff for 8 years or more and is helping me out and excited I am starting.

My grandma has spent a week in the hospital and is now in a nursing home. If she gets strength back, she can go home but that does not seem likely. My mother is a nurse and does not see her as doing well enough to come home. This has been a little rough to process since I am all cried out over the last year and a half, but I am sure it will hit me and sink in pretty soon.

Not sure if I should let XW know that grandma is sick or not. I know she really cared about her but my anger about the D makes me not want to tell her. I feel she has no right to know. She made her choice of wanting to be a part of my family, and this is what happens when you choose to get out. I may change my mind, who knows. If she asks I will tell her, but I will not offer her any information.

I still lurk on the site, but just as last year, in the summer I get busy. I also don't feel as attached/dependent to the website as I was before. I still feel the need to check in and help offer the little bit of advise I do have.

As far as the women/dating scene goes, nothing has really panned out. I am okay with this though. I felt a rush when talking with some girls and it was a little too strong. There was still a feeling of the need to be with someone, not the want. So I have backed off a little and am not focused on finding a girlfriend. I think this is the healthier move.