Thank you everyone for all your words. And I know you are right ... I just wanted to share those deep feelings, ones I have never had .. insecurities I gained by going through the bad end of the A and all this. I do not think I have a complex, but it was a rush of thoughts/emotions/insecurities I had never experienced before.
FY .... yeah ... I know you are right and spot on in your assessment, I just was not ready for all that to hit me the way it did.
uR you are right ... what happened in the A is probably no where near what truly happened ... as I told W I am currently chasing a ghost that I know does not exist but yet it haunts me. As far as the falling asleep .. I honestly was not upset at that (I have been in the past here and there) I was more upset we were not doing 'the work' .... W often starts things and never finishes ... if anything its THAT which bothers me as if we are going to fix this M she is going to have to put in the work consistently ... not just do things then assume its all better because we are not fighting. That's how I felt and what I communicated with her.
Oh ... Off Subject and I love a good rumor .. anyone else find it odd uR and AJ were kind of on a break about the same time and happen to show back up together ... Hmmmmmm just sayin.
Just to touch on a couple things. I think it was a mix of holding onto the hurtful things she said and the rush of emotions that flooded over me. I had never felt ... 'less' in the bedroom till then and dealing with all the thoughts after. Processing through some things, yes .. obviously OM and W never had close to the connection that W and I share, obviously as even through this crisis W always had to tug at the ropes and ensure she was still connected to me then go about her tunnel chasing. I also have been doing some reading/thinking/reflecting ... more towards where I am now concerning healing after what had happened and I think there is pressure to ... as primal as this sounds.. mark my territory, I caught myself doing it the past few months. The bed for instance, big trigger for me ... I recall walking into the bedroom, looking at the bed and thinking about the A then some anger developed inside of me and I said to myself "No, this is MY bed, not his ... I was here first and what they did was wrong" I then sat on the bed and refused to move until the anxiety and anger passed. Now, I have no problem with the bed .... I think I am doing similar with W, granted she is not an object and I can not sit on her till I feel better about it all lol... but the approach is very similar, Last night I read similar in a book ... I was looking for the term they used to describe it but I can not find it .. something like Spouse Protecting or something to that effect. Sounds so Cave-manish but is something I had not really thought about that I do see happening on various levels ... just things to look at.
Mini-update. W started her famous PMS ... which could be partly a reason for the heavy petting the past couple nights prior(Was a common trend way back before the crisis). I picked up S and the dog from the vet, took S home and made dinner as W had shared throughout the day she was stressed trying to get things done I decided to just give her time to do her thing, she did voice she wanted me and S over, I was detached and said we would be over later. We arrived about 7:30 and dropped off a few things then S and I went and walked the dog, S shared that he felt "Mom was more awake" lately ..... I talked to him a little about that before turning the topic towards farts and boogers. (Always an easy transition) W and I did our 'homework' and even did the night before to make up for what we missed. I stayed out on the balcony as it was a nice night reading a bit. Went to bed .. little pillow talk then woke this morning. We got into it a little bit, nothing major over the LL thing, again she misunderstands my physical touch as always being 'sex-based' but I tried to explain it to her the best I could then decided to drop it as she was not really receptive given the fact she was crabby ... she shared she was feeling bloated and sore, I listened/validated but there was tension ... no fight but I felt some of the old feelings from the old M as did she, I told her I am not going back to that M .... said my goodbyes and left for work.
Just continuing to process through my own stuff at the moment, seems I am making progress albeit slow.
Again thank you everyone for all your words and insights.
