Time to bury the mustard seed

[mustardseed]

I will. I've been reading through my posts from the beginning. I can't believe how far I have come. Not so much in saving my marriage, but in realizing how unhealthy our relationship has been. I spent so much time tip toeing around him. Wanting to please. Being so codependent. I was so worried about him all the time. He was so manipulative the whole time. I feel like I have back slid, and I have because I went back to reacting rather than letting go. I also stopped being afraid of speaking my mind, which led me to say a lot of things I shouldn't have. I sunk to new lows and he used it against me in really awful ways.
He is using all of the tools at his disposal. I'm sure his skank and his very strange lawyer are egging him on. Every time I lose my [censored] he gains leverage. I have to stop doing that.

My mom is awesome. I was mad at first that she accused me of feeling sorry for myself. I am terrified. I don't think I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am so scared. However, I get her point. I am letting him terrorize me. I am behaving in ways that are a direct response to his behaviors--I'm doing exactly what he wants. I need to turn that around. I can't let him intimidate me.

And reading over my posts from the last--lord--20 months or so--shows me that none of this is new. This is who he is, it is just that I used to make him the priority. Everything I did was based on what I thought would make him happy. Now that I am not doing that anymore he is showing his really ugly side. He hates me for outing is R with OW. He hates me for making it public and for not giving a crap if our neighbors (his coworkers) hear us fighting about it. I know it is immature, and I should have some shame in airing our dirty laundry, but I would rather they see me lose my [censored] over it, then see me be the only idiot who doesn't know. They all must know about this R he has with her, my kids are the ones who told me. If they see it as students, his coworkers must also see it.

However, he is humiliated, and he is out for blood.

I just filed for unemployment benefits. Ugh. I have some running around to do today, then I need to finalize my schedule for tutoring. And apply for at least 2 jobs today. Those are my goals. I have a big tray of ziti made, and some london broil marinating so I don't have to worry about dinner.

S13 doesn't want to go to camp again. He has a cough--I think it is allergy related--but now I am starting to worry that he is retreating, or that he is afraid to leave me alone. I'll have to address this.