H now often says where he is going/when he will return. Now more then he did immediately following BD 3/31/15. (Who knows if it is the truth, but he sometimes seems to understand that it is the social norm to give such info. when you leave the house.)
Last night he left at 10pm and returned at 11:15pm w/out saying anything when he left. He sleeps in downstairs BR.
Should I also sometimes leave without saying anything. It kind of feels like playing games or doing the whole tit for tat thing? I would never normally behave this way. Some advise this as a 180/adding mystery, I know. Thoughts?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Recently, H and I had a conversation where I was able to practice one of my 180's. I genuinely validated him, responded to the information vs. reacting to it and then walked away calmly. It felt great and H looked surprised, too.
Special thanks to Asitis who keeps at me to GAL and detach.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Ok. I am on it. Thanks everyone for all the help and support.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yesterday I came back from work later than I usually do w/o texting or calling.
After I came in H came out from his room (where he is 23/7) when he is home. He grabbed water but I know he came out to see if I had groceries and is that why I was late? Had no groceries and his wheels were turning.
At 2 am I came downstairs for water. When I came back up to my room a text popped up from him, from downstairs saying goodnight. First time he has said this in months. Peeked his head out yesterday.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Question: at BD, my H asked to have apartment, see women and still come home for the kids. I said no. Days later I asked him to please let me know if he started PA or EA as a basic boundary. He said this was "all agreeable" to him.
Jack 3 Beans writes: Until the MLC starts showing positive and real signs of coming back...boundaries and consquences hurt you and what you think you want more than they do them. You are pushing them and presuring them to assuage your own desires regarding them in a relationship role they have shown you...they currently do not want.
So now that I know this is MLC and I set this boundary long before he shows signs of coming out, what can I do about this? Did I create a situation that will make it harder for him to come back?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Validations are words and yet we rely heavily one those. They become a sort of action, right? At times, when I have genuinely validated H, I have seen the "hypnotic" effect these validation have. Yet they are words.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
