WW/WAW Looking for advice from the pros (Sandi)

[Vanilla]

My biggest issue right now is my house. In the next month or so I will have to make a decision to let my house go into forclosure which will force my family out and will definately push the divorce forward as there will be nothing left to fight over. Or file a CH 13, that I will have to pay for, that will keep my family in our home but I will be paying for us to get caught up but will delay the divorce as we will be trying to save the house.

Make the decision based on Fin considerations, otherwise emotion is running your life. Whatever decision you make you will need to live with so a cool head and good advice.

I have a difficult time paying for my wife to remain comfortable in our home an carry on with her A from inside the walls that I built. And all the while paying for it.

it's time for WW to step up to the plate and be involved in this. Are you able to look after your children and move back to the house.

So as everyone can see time plays a major role in this. I almost want to tell her that if she is unwilling to R then I refuse to file the CH 13. Problem is I don't think she has any problems about letting everything go so she can be happy.

These statements concern me greatly. The reason that should occur to you is that your behaviour would be controlling. Yes, I know this hasn't been said but it is in your thoughts. It would be useful for you to make a definitive contrast list of your choices.

I know this isn't easy and none of the choices are ideal but look after you and be stable for your children

V

[MrBond]

Hold on a second....

"To be completely honest I was involved in an EA 5 years ago and came clean with my W about it and wanted to fix what was wrong in our marriage. I remember the rush and being in the fog. I even remember thinking I wanted to end my marriage at that time."

I see how you CONVENIENTLY left this fact out of your story. This is HUGE. So you had an EA first, wanted to end your M (doesn't matter that you didn't, but you considered it) and now that your W wants to do it, you're condemning her?

Kettle meet pot.

It doesn't matter that your M might have been bad before. It doesn't excuse your A. AND the fact that you failed to mention any of this before shows your lack of taking responsibility.

Did the two of you go to C about it or did you just sweep it under the rug and blame her for "driving" you to the EA?

[Hurt06]

Her Telling you that the only way the marriage will survive is through a separation is text book BS.

What your are describing seems to be "Caking Eating" with her wanting to stay home while you pay for everything.

I suggest you talk to your attorney about getting back into the house ASAP.

Vets please chime in here.

You have just as much of a right to live there as she does. The Protection order might not allow this to happen but your atty will know what to do.

[Prowl]

I see how you CONVENIENTLY left this fact out of your story. This is HUGE. So you had an EA first, wanted to end your M (doesn't matter that you didn't, but you considered it) and now that your W wants to do it, you're condemning her?

Kettle meet pot.

It doesn't matter that your M might have been bad before. It doesn't excuse your A. AND the fact that you failed to mention any of this before shows your lack of taking responsibility.

Did the two of you go to C about it or did you just sweep it under the rug and blame her for "driving" you to the EA?

I came clean to her about everything and yes we did go to counseling. I told her every little detail that she asked for and she even contacted the OW for details. I never blamed her for "forcing" me into the life of someone else.

After I found out about all the men she had been talking to and seeing she said to me "You opened the door up for this 4 years ago". I have apologized profusely for my actions and I spent years after trying to make it right.

Am I condemning her? I sure am... I came to her about my feelings for someone else and I wanted to fix what was wrong in our marriage. She started seeing someone, very possibly brought them into our home and marital bed, convinced ME to leave the house so she could carry on with her A and then used the law to make sure I couldn't return to my home. A home I worked tirelessly for. She then didn't make house payments for 6 months during the S and has put us in a situation where we may lose our house and has absolutely destroyed our credit.

We saw a mediator at the very beginning of all of this and he said he could have us divorced in 6 weeks. All we had to do was share time in the marital home with the kids. That wasn't good enough for her. She was getting advice from a childhood friend, who is now an attorney, about getting me out of the house so she could file a protective order and get the upper hand. During this she assaulted me twice and I never laid a finger on her. The day after she filed the protection order she went on social media and posted a screen shot of her and her high school boyfriends conversation making fun of me and saying that I have "lost my mind" and how every man loses their mind after she leaves them. This is something my children saw.

So yes I am condemning her... It's one thing to want out of a marriage. It's another to blame me for her A's. destroy my credit, lose our home, destroy my reputation, laugh at my expense, and hurt my children. I felt horrible for having feelings for someone else and I tried to make it right. She decided to make it her personal vendetta to destroy me after she decided to step out of our marriage.

[Prowl]

Her Telling you that the only way the marriage will survive is through a separation is text book BS.

What your are describing seems to be "Caking Eating" with her wanting to stay home while you pay for everything.

I suggest you talk to your attorney about getting back into the house ASAP.

Vets please chime in here.

You have just as much of a right to live there as she does. The Protection order might not allow this to happen but your atty will know what to do.

My Atty has said to me that there is nothing I can do unless she is willing to lift the restraining order. This is the same Atty that will be filing the CH13 for us.

So basically I will be paying the $2K to file the CH13, paying the catch up mortgage payments, paying a portion of the regular mortgage, paying for rent in my own Apt. all the while she gets to live in our big beautiful home and not one thing in her life has changed. If I don't agree to this we lose the 100K worth of equity in our home.

Cake eating at it's finest.

[Matt777]

Prowl -

MrBond was trying to explain that it's a missing part of the story. It's a major incident in your MR that was left out and fills in some gaps in your initial story. Knowing this piece of history can change a lot of the advice you receive.

It also indicates something else about you that you may want to consider? Why did you not share it? Do you think it isn't televant to your current situation?

[Prowl]

Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage.

[Matt777]

Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage.

I hate speaking for MrBond. I'm sure I'm not doing a good job. But you said this:

I felt horrible for having feelings for someone else and I tried to make it right. She decided to make it her personal vendetta to destroy me after she decided to step out of our marriage.

MrBond asked you what you did to try to "make it right". Apologizing is not enough. Ow did you rebuild trust? How did you rebuild intimacy? This is not a "time heals all wounds" kind of thing. If you just said "I'm sorry" a bunch, she has probably never recovered from this.

Look, I don't think anyone is saying what she's doing is right. But the fact that you didn't think that this was an important part of what was a very lengthy first post leads me to believe that you two never really got over that incident together. That extra layer really changes a lot, don't you think?

[MrBond]

"Thanks Matt and I agree it probably did new to be mentioned at the beginning. It is something she uses to validate her behavior and reason for wanting out of our marriage."

And she'd be right.

You spend alot of time scorekeeping in terms of how what she's doing is so much worse than what you did. Cheating is cheating. It is admirable that you "came clean", but in the end, you were the one that wanted out and cheated first. Cheating does alot of damage and, as you know, is an extreme breach of trust.

Even though you two went to C, there was probably a part of her that never let it go. Just because you are okay with it, doesn't mean that she has to be. People react differently. You say that you didn't do anything "destructive" to her in the same way that she's doing to you. I say you're wrong. The emotional destruction is usually much worse than the physical or financial.

Again, I'm not justifying what she's doing, but the fact that you left out that part of your story and made yourself out to be the "good guy" here shows that you have alot to learn about relationships and about your role in all this.

[Prowl]

You're absolutely right... So please advise me on what to do now... I just want to make all of this right again.