TLEE86 Part IV

[TLEE86]

Thank you Cadet, Toots, and Z for the words and advice. I am...struggling. And I think I need to see someone.

It's been about 9months since BD. And I am still on the roller coaster. I look around and it seems most that I started this journey with are no longer on the roller coaster, but trying to accept and live their lives. If WAS wants to join them, then awesome. But if not, they are living their life. I am not.

I don't know what it is, maybe I am stubborn, maybe its my attitude, maybe my "Always have to be in charge/control" personality..but I am still on this ride.

9months later...and I am still realizing that I do the following things- I think I need help.

- Havent slept in our bed since Oct 5 (BD); been sleeping on the couch for 9months because I just cant sleep in the bed

- Still pining for contact, waiting to see if she will text/call

- Never leaving the house on the weekends; I don't even walk the dogs anymore, working out is hit or miss now

- Still snooping on our phone bills

- Therapy/IC is a waste of time for me- I just say whatever I want to say for an hour and thats about it. There is no...going anywhere with it. No fix.

- Still wondering why, how, thinking "Oh today she said this, or why didnt she text today"

- And a million other things.

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W is still playing the victim card, the..."I hurt too T, I still care, but we will never be able to get to that place our M used to be again. Talking to you hurts me...and it stresses me about...no matter what we talk about...this is because of what you did, I hurt during and after everything happened..etc etc."

So now we barely talk. But we havent talked about a way ahead, whether thats D or R. Its just...silence. I suggested maybe bringing in a 3rd party, a mediator, someone to help us talk about something besides the dogs and the weather. She doesnt know.

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I was told I too am playing the victim card, I don't see how, maybe I am, I don't know much of anything anymore.

I need help. I truly do, but Im too proud to get it, too lazy to get it, too...i don't give a [censored] to get it. I have very very dark thoughts lately. Very dark. And it scares me.

My best friends don't care anymore, they have nothing left to say to me. I don't know anyone well enough where I am now to talk to anyone about it. The unit chaplain is horrible, he responds when he feels like it, and never seems to check up on things. Ive never had a chaplain not return phone calls. I feel so alone. I do enough to get through work and then come home and Im a hot mess. And the day repeats. For 9months now.

I read stories here all the time, the latest ones LITB, Karma, and 1 other, I forget who, but all these people still DBing, over 2 years later...how LITB survived 2 different piecings I don't know...

I just don't know how to not hang onto her every word. Her every action or inaction. I keep trying to fix things, maybe because there is literally no problem in the world, no goal of mine since I can remember, that I have ever not achieved. Ive literally accomplished every single task Ive ever wanted to. If there is a problem, there is a solution. There has to be. But I havent let this go. And 9, almost 10months later, I am still on the roller coaster. And the ride continues. Now, its just a silent ride. We barely talk. But I still cant get over it. I need help. Im not doing well.