First, no R talks. None. Not even hints or questions. None.
Second, no snooping. Even if you find something out, what are you going to do? Tell her and she'll blast you for snooping. You clearly want to know and control her. She is clearly telling you she will leave you if you can't stop. So you just need to stop. Get out if you need to, until you can control yourself.
She wants someone who is strong and consistent during a time when she is weak and struggling. You are falling apart, and it is not attractive. Again, get out and visit friends or something if you can't keep it together. Better to be absent than continue to show her that you are having trouble handling things.
You are your own worst enemy right now. Almost all of us have been there. So, don't think you're some exception and a failure. You haven't killed it, but you do need to stop doing all of the above right a way.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15