I will never understand this situation and probably never will.
I will never understand her glee in this process and her firm resolution to do this. She really does feel that it is the best thing to do and it's the best thing for our kids.
I guess there are just some things in life we aren't mean to understand. I know I am not supposed to ask or ponder the "why's" but ,,,, why?
Zues gave me a great answer to the "why" question Heavy - maybe, and I mean maybe, you'll get 50% of the truth three years from now.
[censored], but that's the truth. Her perspective is her perspective. That's got history rewriting, different upbringing and background, and actual event experience mixed into it all.
There's no cheese down that tunnel, but there certainly is ENDLESS mental anguish and obsession.
Deep breath Heavy.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
6. Grateful that you are doing the right things in a very tough time.
7. Grateful that you are stronger than you were and have the kick in the pants to make yourself a better you.
Give yourself some due, you are doing so much good and should acknowledge that these are tough and what it says about you.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Talked to a good friend last night over the phone for a long time.
Her perspective is that I let my W make me believe that I was less than. Less that enough, less pretty, less smart, less than ...everything ..... across the boards. She was right.
I tried so hard over the last few years to do things that I thought would please my W - volunteer more, take on more responsibilities with finances at house, be more involved in church by teaching Sunday School, be more involved in kids school, and on and on. All of these efforts were to try and "prove" to her I was worthy of her love. That I could make her "see" how much I loved her and would do what I thought she wanted me to do.
I made efforts to smile more, to be more socialble, to be more outgoing, and on and on and on. I was trying to please her or buy her love. In essence, based on her treatment and statements to me, I believed there was something wrong with me and I overcompencated to be more what I thought she wanted.
You know what, I am an introvert and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. That's who I am and have always been and most likely will always be.
How screwy is that? Classic codependence.
Yes, our marriage failed and yes, I am crushed by it, however .... I am a good person, I am person of worth, I have values and integrity. I am not garbage to be tossed out when the winds of change blow. I am ME. I am enough. My value is not determined by her or any other one person.
So, I finally get it. I heard the message and I felt it to be true. My friend said - where is the Heavy I used to know? That Heavy would never have allowed herself to be treated this way AND to feel that it was her fault.
That's what DBing is all about - feeling your self worth, taking back your power, GAL, PMA, reclaiming YOU, all of those things. It's not about tactics or strategies, its about owning your own truth and living your truth even though it may cost you your marriage. What's more important your marriage or YOU?
I realize that my moping and depression about it won't change anything. It is my choice is be hapy or be miserable. My being miserable does nothing for me except keep me in a cage that I hold the key too. I actually thought that if my W could only see how miserable I am she would stop with the A and the lies and love me again. How foolish and immature I have been.
This is not about her but all about ME. I own that and own my part of the dysfunction. I am working to never repeat those mistakes again and to let anyone devalue me again or use me again. I am enough. I am ME. God has made me perfect in His sight - just as all of us are perfectly made.
If one has to try to change (not talking about alcoholism or drug abuse or physical abuse or anything like that) but change in "being" in order to stay in a relationship, then something is wrong.
I have FOUND ME and will never let myself get lost like that again. I don't know what the future holds, but I am pretty sure it will be OK, I will be OK, and my kids will be OK.
