The Bird, the Cage, and the open door.

[AJM]

Hmm.. I for one don't find it surprising to hear what you wrote, Cali. I hope you are not surprised by it either. You knew it was an issue to be dealt with.

Here's the thing. As FY alluded to, the brain is the biggest part. Yours too. The other part to consider is that you BOTH need to work through this. Why? Intimacy. Sex is just a workout without it. Fun. Lasts a little while and then you take a shower. But with intimacy? Wow. Wayyyyy different.

As it is supposed to be.

What you've been given is a chance for just that. The hallmark idea of mind-blowing sex, as Oprah will describe it in her magazine (I'm guessing - seriously) requires intimacy. Not moves. Not physical attributes. Sex is the icing on the cake, not the cake.

You don't have that level of intimacy yet. But you're both working toward it.

There may be more frustrating times like this, before, during and after. But the real prize is to be able to work through it in an intimate way. Which is what you did. Putting it out there like that, and her listening to it and having the open conversation.

You may have noticed, she is thinking one thing, and you another about the subject. With time, effort, and patience, you'll both be of the same mind, and the rest won't matter.

Counseling might be a good idea for you Cali. Seriously. It may help to speed the process and help equip you to deal with things differently.

But in the end, the recipe will have to include the both of you being intimate at all three levels.

Keep working at the intimacy. At some point, you'll work past the immediate issues of the immediate past and start to peel back the layers (like an onion, Donkey) and get to the earlier and core issues. That's a long journey and one that's arduous. Not for the faint of heart for either of you.

Rebuilding a bond is scary and hard. And rewarding. And it comes with thrills, chills, and twists. And it gives you both (you may have noticed what she said?) the chance to uncover and fix past issues. Be grateful for that, amigo. That's what will help to build that intimate connection you're looking for.

Cheers!

AJ