I need to confront W on this issue of the email account. I am concerned that she will see this as an ultimatum and decide to leave. I really don't want that, but then again I should not allow anyone to treat me like a door mat.
What is that you ultimately want? I see you flip flopping between wanting to save the M and not. I get it that you want her to stop with the OM, but right now it doesn't seem like she's going to.
If you want to save your M, then I think you need to put in some VERY strong boundaries with your W.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I need to confront W on this issue of the email account. I am concerned that she will see this as an ultimatum and decide to leave.
It's either a core boundary with you or it's not. It's HER choice as to whether or not her secrecy is more important to her than her marriage. That's the beauty of boundaries: if she balks, then you haven't really lost anything because tolerating infidelity, secrecy and disrespect in your marriage is not something you could have lived with anyway.
Doesn't make it EASY, but it really does make it SIMPLE.
W and I had a chance to talk this morning. W said she wanted to quit her job and could use her retirement money to live on until she found a new job. Told me that what does it matter since we have my account. Told her that at this time I think she is assuming too much.
Told her that as I see it that this M is likely not going to last that long given the OM and her reluctance to be transparent with me. If nothing is going on then this should not be an issue.
She hemmed and hawed on this issue - no movement yet. She asked me if I would go to her IC with her. Told her that I don't know and that I am unwilling to sweep the secrecy crap under the rug.
That was the end on the conversation - good times.
W and I had a chance to talk this morning. W said she wanted to quit her job and could use her retirement money to live on until she found a new job. Told me that what does it matter since we have my account.
I don't understand what that last statement means? She plans on using her retirement money to fund her unemployment period, or some account of yours??
Quote:
She asked me if I would go to her IC with her. Told her that I don't know and that I am unwilling to sweep the secrecy crap under the rug.
Good for you Sad. I certainly don't think your W should be making assumptions about you 'supporting her' whilst OM is somewhere in the picture. I think you are quite right to put her straight on that one.
That was a good response to the counselling too. I think you are starting to find your stride here. I was concerned about your earlier posts and the 'friendly, friendly' stuff. I'm pleased to see your direction of travel now though....
Good luck :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
At her job she has a 401K she can take. I also have a 401K at my job. W and kids are the beneficiaries.
Ahhh, gotcha. Yeah, if she wants to quit her job, let her use her own 401(k). No time to be coddling her financially -- if she wants to be a wayward or WAW, let her put on her BGPs.
I think you should require 1/2 of her 401 to be set aside in case things don't work out.... As I see it she wants to spend her money now and YOUR money later..... Ummmmm not cool.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
