New marriage already over -please help me :/

[sandi2]

I think our posts passed each other. Hope you'll catch my previous post.

how can one say she's my soulmate just over a month ago and for seven years and just in a matter of weeks give up

I believe you were hearing lip service from her. During the time the two of you were apart and she had unmet emotional needs and/or didn't feel you were doing anything to fill them....her feelings probably started to change somewhat. She may have continued to "say" she loved you and that she was your soulmate......and that could have been her way of reaching out to you, in hopes that you would give back what she was needing at the time.

I don't mean to rub salt into the wound, but hopefully teach you that women are creatures who "require" a certain amount of emotional nourishment from their partner, or they become very vulnerable to someone who is not their partner. The breakdown in the relationship begins when one person in the M is not providing or filling the needs of the other person. It can be either person, but being a female myself, I'll just speak from the W's viewpoint. My grandparents were married over 65 years! One of the wisest pieces of advice I ever received about M, was my GM saying that you never reach a point in M that you can stop working at it....if you want a good one! Unfortunately, too many of us think we don't have to keep working at it. Guess that's why we don't hear of too many who stay M for 65 yrs!

I know you must feel horrible now and are beating yourself to death for getting so negligent during the time she was staying with her parents and trying to get through the 18 months (which is a long time to stay apart). Long distant relationships can work (military families, for example), as long as some form of communication continues. My guy communicated more when he was in the military than after we were M and living together! Go figure that one. Anyway, most of us have to learn these lessons through our own mistakes. I hope you may learn from some of our mistakes before you make more of your own.

There are various things that could be going on with her that has caused her to be so strong minded in getting a quick divorce.....and so suddenly (as you say). However, the majority of newcomer H's are experiencing what they never thought would happen to them. Many have said that there is no way on earth his W was in an A. (Which could be an emotional affair, physical A, imaginary A, long distant A, or Internet A/cybersex). That is why I asked you how you confirmed she had absolutely not cheated. B/c simply asking her and taking what she says for the truth will be setting yourself up for a bigger shock later. I hope with all my heart that there is no third party in her head/heart, but I think you need to brace yourself to discover...just about anything. Remember, all cheaters lie. We see this happening more and more, however, it doesn't necessarily mean your stitch will fall into the same category. Even if it does, it doesn't determine your M will end in a D. And even if that happened, it doesn't mean the two of you would never get M again.

Your biggest battle at this moment is with Aj8. You have convinced yourself that it's over b/c she won't contact you or doesn't want to talk about anything that isn't D related. Guess what? That is true in many cases when the W first drops the bomb. Look at the time periods in that list of Mozza's saved M's. The shortest ones are at least a year, and most around two years.....and some even longer. So it takes a long time to get this stuff worked out. You are just getting started. You have to talk to yourself and decide for yourself, and your mental attitude is going to make the difference. If you are so certain it's the end just b/c she says it is......you might as well throw in towel now. Listen, this can be turned around, but you have got to have a little hope and confidence in something that is much bigger than just what she's saying at the moment. Okay? And btw, she's not your friend right now, so you need to be Aj8's BBF. I'm serious, be good to yourself, forgive yourself, and don't give up on yourself.

While you are waiting on your books, be thinking about the guy you were when you first started dating her. Compare that guy to who you are right now. What can you do to find him again....or become a better version? This may sound so flimsy, but hang with us and you'll begin to understand more as we go.

Set some goals that will help you accomplish these improvements in yourself. Long term and short term goals just about you and your actions.....not hers. You can't control what she does, so how can you set a goal that is based on her action?

Think really deep and know what your own standard of values, belief system, moral and religious beliefs are, and what you can't live without and what you won't tolerate. B/c you have to know what you want and what you believe....and it has to be based on something deeper than just the emotional feelings you're experiencing right now. At this very moment, you probably are thinking you can't live without her or that's all you care about in life is to stay M to her. No, that's what you are wantingATM. We have to learn how to distinguish between what we are feeling emotionally from what we base our beliefs upon. Make sense? We can't operate strictly from our emotions, alone. That is what I think your W is doing at the moment. You can't afford to conduct yourself based on emotions right now, b/c you really would be your own worst enemy and shoot down all chances of reconciliation. You have to determine your conduct/behavior/actions on your norms & standards, what is right & wrong (morally & spiritually).

I hope you have good support from your parents and friends b/c you need to be with people who love you. If you continue to feel so utterly dark & hopeless, please contact your doctor, spiritual leader, or someone to help you get off the ledge.

Keep posting and talking with us. Continue to read the links Cadet has suggested. Please do not give up. Morning will come again. ((hugs))