Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Thanks guys, I'm ever vigilant behind the wheel now. I believe in the law of threes and know that I've had two run ins in the last 48 hours in a car. The last thing I need to have right now is an accident or hurt someone. That'd be the icing on the cake.

Today is a tough one, I woke up with a huge knot in my chest and then proceeded to journal it out through a ton of tears. It's truly like something has taken over my body that I have no control of. Nothing happened to trigger it, I imagine it may just be the stress of the last week between my W, my partner, and getting sick. I miss my dog like crazy too. My W has had him for 3 months and I haven't pushed it to get him back. When I did bring it up in an email she didn't respond. I let it go.

It's challenging for me to be at work as there are photos of my W around - group photos so I can't take them down - and I feel her energy in the walls. She was a big part of it from the beginning and a week ago we celebrated our 6th anniversary, the first one without her. I've also felt the tension between myself and my partner and know that now it will be even more palpable after yesterday's disagreement. It feels like my little apartment is the only safe place right now but I know I can't hide out here from the world. Life has to go on.

I keep trying to focus on the fact that W and I are going to sit down next week for the first time in over 3 months. Crazy to believe. I'm equal parts excited to see her, equal parts uncomfortable with it as it's going to be a challenging conversation and it seems like at the end of each of our interactions since the day she left I'm more disappointed or upset. I know that comes from having an expectation and then having that expectation not met.

That's the challenge this week - detachment from an outcome. From any outcome other than peace within myself, but that doesn't seem to be coming in any form that I can recognize just yet. It feels like the opposite is happening - less peace, more turmoil. Maybe that's just part of the process to get to the other side. It feels like this whole journey is going to end up breaking me today, not the other way around.

People keep giving me the butterfly metaphor, and yes, intellectually I understand it. I'm goo. Got it. You can't get to the butterfly part without the goo part. Got that too. I'm just getting tired of being goo.

Sorry for the downer post, it's an uphill fight today.