Cali! OMG... you have no idea... I will get to that in a sec...

S18 called his dad last night to meet him after work. He called me right after to tell me he was going. He said that the incident at graduation has been weighing heavily on him and he needed to clear the air. I was surprised, but happy for him. Glad he is sorting through his own emotions.

He didn't say much about their meeting, and I didn't pry. He just said that it went well. He did tell me that he let his dad know that I don't have anything to do with the kids and his r. He told him that what he texts d14 about being my words, that it is untrue. And that it was him who didn't want him at graduation and not me, and even told him that I had asked him several times if he was sure he didn't want to give xh a ticket.

I am not sure xh believes it, or maybe he thinks I wanted to see him there or something... but who cares. I was just proud of s18 for doing what he needed to do for him.

On another note... Cali... is that you? Sorry... I couldn't hear you over the roar of the falls....

Ha! Just kidding... honestly, that was a really nice post. Very nice, and it has made me think even a little further into this... by this, I mean me.

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So something jumped out at me, correct me here .. seems you are having a hard time giving yourself credit. And even a harder time accepting guys other than the low level stalker types would be interested in you ... is it the fall out from the self esteem that took a serious blow?
I don't know. It's a good question. I think that prior to the "blow" there was a disintegration of it. That's what I am realizing.
I just thought about this... last night I went over to my brothers for a little bit. He had a couple of friends there, and I was being ME. It feels so good to have that part of me back. I thought about how I would have been if xh was with me, and I realized that I would have done more of a mirror of his personality. Not that it was always like that, but it happened over time.

I have a distinct memory of a time when my bil came up from Maryland with his new girlfriend (now his wife). We were all going to dinner and then to a concert. As the four of us were walking into the bar/grill, bil said to his new lady (whom I had JUST met), "Wait till you see Mighty. She is a trip. She is crazy and so much fun."

Xh said, "Don't say that bc then she will feel like she has to perform."

I was hurt by that, but never said a word. It was like 10 years ago. But.. perform? I was always the same when he met me. I just have that kind of personality. It is a big part of me. It is me!

But things like that started to chip away at me, and I started to lose myself. (So last night... I was me.) And my brother has made comments about it lately... he notices, and, apparently, knew all along what was going on.

So, Cali, I guess it was both. I think some of this had an impact on what I feel. I was broken down... trying to be everything I was "supposed" to be. I wasn't good enough. I changed myself to be just right. I did whatever I need to do to be the best for him. Then I was thrown out like trash.

Where does that leave me now? I don't know. But I can tell you this, I like the original me, and the new me way better than the suppressed me. I guess I just feel no one else will. Well, like that. I mean, I know people like me and like to hang out with me and have fun. But, that's about it. Other than creeps...

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So you need to get your swag back a bit .. not talking the "I'll go Mighty on your ass" swag ....


That's funny.

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you are the prize
This one... I don't know. I mean, the prize for whom? Me? A stranger?

My thoughts continue to take me away... I think I am fun. I think I was a really good wife. But... hmmm... I mean, I was thrown out with out so much as a thought. With no respect. No dignity. No... goodbye. I guess, yeah, I am basing my feelings on that of another. But, this other was the one who I believed loved me, would protect me, and would honor our family. I got none of that. I get it, he's in crisis. But, he's not insane! He has the ability to express feelings to someone else. To honor his new baby. WTF? OK, not going there...

I have a very dysfunctional r with myself. Sometimes I feel really good. I crack myself up a lot. I like things about myself. Other times I annoy myself. I feel like a burden in people's lives. Sometimes, I hate to look at myself.

Like, even if I tried to list good qualities about myself, I'd be so humiliated. I tried doing it the other day in a post. For some dumb reason.. can't remember why, but anyway, I deleted that part. It seemed so stupid.

Going back to your question, Cali... I think a lot of it has to do with the Looking Glass Theory. I feel fine. I feel like I am a good person, fun, and not horrific to look at. But others perception of me are like... yeah, she's a great chick, but... not like that.

Aaaahhhh..... I even cringe saying all this. But... I got issues, man....