It was a dreadful weekend, unfortunately, but it is over and I am past a major emotional hurdle of mine. With all my plans for the weekend, and it being the first with my kids after 2 weekends away - taking care of my mother who underwent surgery, I was really psyched. However,
at around 5PM I received an email from my boss about how troubled he is that I have not completed my annual self-assessment. STRIKE ONE.
I called him and gave him the meager excuse that my troubles at home (he knows rough details) have spilled into work and I missed 5 emails from his assistant asking me to complete it. It was the first time that I can recall him being disappointed in me. STRIKE TWO.
I opened up the self-evaluation tool on my computer and read some not-very-flattering resident evaluations about me. STRIKE THREE.
In panicking, and trying to begin to complete this assignment, I missed my eagerly-awaited Friday afternoon run. STRIKE FOUR.
By the time Sabbath (Friday night) arrived, I was so despondent over the events of that afternoon. It hit me that my heart is not in my work and, as much as I have been trying to keep up appearances, I am neglecting my work and cracks are showing. Weekends are tough enough, being in the same house with my WW, but this just put me over the edge. My PMA was gone. I could not concentrate on my kids like I wanted to. I tried so hard to thought-stop and cheer myself up but I could not. All I could do was blame my WW for everything. Saturday was pretty much a write off. I realized that I have keeping all the pain bottled up so I could present a happy face to my children, but that it was killing me.
Sunday began a bit better. I saw the film Inside Out (Pixar) with S13 and S11. Then I took S3 for ice cream (just the two of us) and D6 for ice cream (just the two of us). D9 is at camp.
Inside Out was fantastic (5-stars, IMHO, and I don't give it lightly). I highly recommend it for individuals in our sitch. The premise is that sadness is an essential part of life and even an essential part of joy. I bawled my eyes out. Thought I was nuts, but they don't know what I know. Very timely. I think it helped my kids for what was about to happen.
I realized that I can no longer hide from my kids what is already self-evident to them: that our M is over. I therefore decided I was going to tell kids about the D. I told my W that everyone knows already and I want the kids to hear it from me, rather than someone else. Not telling them was killing me. So, using a somewhat rehearsed script from MWD, I told the kids last night (except D9). I could not hold back any longer. S11 became hysterical but admitted that he knew that there were serious problems. S13 was eerily accepting. Probably because he did not want me to be sad, or because he saw the writing on the wall, or both. D6 became hysterical because of S11. S3 fell asleep - clearly did not get it. At one point, as hard as I tried to avoid it, I lost it and cried on D11's shoulder hysterically. Uggh. I am still going to get the kids in to see psychologist, but hopefully now we can get some sessions in before school resumes.
My thoughts: - Worst thing I ever had to do. The truth is dirty and hurts sometime, but that does not free one from the obligation to tell it. - As bad as it was, I feel like a burden has been lifted. - I am still sickened that WW actually wants this. Who would want this for their children? - I am still standing. - It would have been terrible no matter when or how I did it. - This has empowered me to proceed with D more emphatically. Clearly, WW has nothing left inside of her.
