I had a thought today. Something hit me. I realize that seeing/dealing with xh and hww takes on an emotional toll. They vary between the two.
In both circumstances, I am dealing with PTSD type reactions/emotions... whatever you want to call it. I can tell it's improving. But, in a circumstance such as PTSD... I feel a fight or flight response. As with a panic attack.
I realized that with xh, I get the flight instinct. And with hww, I get the fight instinct. Possibly because with xh, he has been the direct source of pain, so, naturally, I want to escape the possibility of more. With hww, it's more like... hmmm... something that has moved onto my territory and I need to protect it.
Yes! I think that's it! It's not that I have felt one is to blame more than the other, but one is from my own camp. Betrayal. I need to remove that. Get away from it.
The other source came into my world- unwanted, and I feel protective and that I need to fight it off.
OMG... I am getting a better idea of my own feelings and reactions!
Anyway, my feelings are much more tempered down than in the past. I see no sense to argue at all. I don't even feel the need to defend myself at this point.
Other encounters in the past have sent me spinning for a least a few days, if not a week. The past one hasn't been so horrific. I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing. However, it's not the same.
I'm not bothered so much by the encounter, really. I guess just seeing him puts him back in my mind. It also doesn't help that I'm not working this week. Instead, I'm still finishing up major projects that we started together. It's fine, feels good to get things done, just a little daunting.
After the hustle and bustle of last week, I'm finding the quietness of the past two days irritating. There is plenty to do. Just feeling lonely.
On a positive note, my thoughts have been much more *self* focused. I have found that my thoughts, when xh is out of the picture, are so much more positive. Last week, I hardly thought of him at all. With that, my confidence was starting to climb. When thoughts of him creep up, I can feel my worth and value start to diminish. Interesting realization for me.
Acknowledging this makes me more aware that I need to stay away from him, and my desire to have him in my life is put into perspective. It's not that I desire him now, but... you know... what was...
Last week, something interesting happened. First, I find that when people pay me a compliment, I feel that they are saying it because they feel they have to. Like it's an empty statement. What I've further noticed, is that I tend to cut people off when they are saying it. And, that it's like I block out something nice someone says. Like the TV goes fuzzy, but it's in my brain, and their words get *fuzzed* out.
So, anyway, after work last week, a bunch of us went out for a little bit. We work in a different town, but met up in the town I live (many of us live here). So, after a little while, we decided to go back to my house, order some food and hang out.
Later that night, lots of people left, and there were just a couple of us. The people left were people I've know for years, but haven't really hung out with much. Two of them were a couple and there was another guy, who is married.
We were all just talking by the fire. The couple, both previously divorced, were talking about what they went through. The other guy had called off an engagement (a week before his wedding) prior to being married.
The guy is such a nice guy. I mean, so laid back. So genuine. Just all-around great guy. He said that there were going to be people lined up down my street to get with me. I just laughed it off. Then he said something like, "If I weren't married to xx, I'd ......." Enter fuzz at ....
Then I heard, "I'm serious. I even told your brother that."
So, I'm not sure exactly what he said, because my brain has a way of refusing to hear or believe any type of thing like that from a good person.
I have thought about it since. Not in a way other married *friend* was at all... but, I was like a... hmm... moment where I stepped back... in... shock??
I guess my eyes opened a little wider. The fact that this really great guy would say something like that. I guess I have never imagined that someone who is... like that (I don't know how else to put it)... could be in my world... like that. Granted, not HIM, for obvious reasons (and he was not at all disrespectful in what he was saying... from what I heard!)
I guess I just always thought only a certain type would want me... kind of like what I've been attracting... xh, stalker guy, and a couple of creepy married guys.
So, I just figured, as par for the course, I'd ramble on with my latest thoughts...
