As Bad and tough as Saturday was .. Sunday felt like a hanging change up vs that nasty down and away fast ball.
I wake up Sunday .... W was awake in bed stirring a bit as she typically does, grabs me and turns me towards her, all smiles with a "Good Morning" ... I will not get to graphic but .. short shorts, tank top, and just beautiful looking. I smiled and said "wow, what a wonderful image to wake up to" I do not get her to blush often .. but she did. We spent some time in bed .. more pillow talking, something we always were good at, something I think we both missed, I know I did. I got up.... took the dog for a walk. I went home and got ready for church ... spent some time eating, reading, relaxing ... W arrived and picked me up. I met with Father G early as I was sharing my "Faith Story" .... after meeting with him, I went to the pew and my heart was pounding, I was getting nervous where I was actually calm all weekend. I prayed ... then I swear .. it hit me .. God wanted me there, wanted me to do this ... everything left me, I felt calm. Father G went through his Homily and then introduced me and had me come up. I stood at the podium and looked out at the church ... I laughed and the first words out of my mouth were "Wow .. there are so many of you from up here" The parish returned with a laugh and I just said .. "Well I will just get on with this."
I shared my story, my S and W right there in front, I was not nervous, in fact I was open, honest and my humor shined throughout .. but also so did my heart as I opened it up and allowed the people to see where I was during my darkest moments .. shared how God was there the entire time. I finished and to hear 5-600 people applaud from there, was amazing. And even more amazing .. took 30 minutes or so to get out of the church as many people cam up and thanked me for my story, even thanked W for opening her heart and not divorcing ( yeah I shared a bit of that .. but none of the MLC, A, OM stuff)
In the car W grabbed my hand and told me she was amazed at what I did, how I was up there ... and that she was proud of me. I actually felt good and at peace, thankful that possibly my story hit home and may have moved someone to either pursue their faith, get more involved in the church, or re evaluate their marriage as none of us are immune to a BD.
So after that we went to lunch ... then to her place, changed and went to the fair. Was a perfect day for it, spent way to much money .. but well worth it. I told her it was an official date and it would be approached as such. A lot of kissing on my part ... I noticed a good deal of hand holding on hers. Was just a nice day and I realized here and there the kissing part was pursuing and at times she was a bit cold here n there. (To be touched on later) However there was a shift .... she was very much pursuing the hand holding and just being physically close and mid day she asked me a question ... stopped me in my tracks and I asked her to repeat it she said "I said would you like me to grab you something to eat?" looking at me strangely .. I said .. I hear that part .. after that .. what did you say .. ... she smiled and said "I said Babe ... ok .. is that ok I call you that?" I smile and said .. "I thought that was what you said, and yes .. its completely 'ok'" She has not called me that in ... what .. 3 years, I recall during high crisis I used to call her 'Hon' out of habit and it would Spawn Monster like no other ... was just nice to hear that from her after all this time.
We drove home, stopped at the store, she dropped me off home and I was actually fine with staying home. She asked me if I wanted to come over, I said I could if she wanted me to, she replied that she did, but asked if I wanted to .. I reassured her I did, even joked that it does not $uck to sleep with a beautiful woman ... she laughed and said my pick up lines have improved.
I took my time, took a shower, did somethings I needed to do ... went over .. again walked the dog, got S ready for bed and was reading. W wanted to watch a movie I had picked up, we started and I could tell she was done .. nodding off .. I told her it was time for bed, she begged for 5 more minutes. Finally we got to bed and more pillow talk, she asked me about the Homily as it really was relate-able to her, I told her how I seen it, she seemed to agree and we fell asleep.
Woke this morning and W shared that she had slept better than she has in years. she came over ... and .. ok .. how to descibe this .. well there was a 'morning issue' plus the fact its been a long time ... she had me hold her close and my anxiety rose. Frustrated with the fact my W is right there and we are not at that level where we can share 'that'. I do not even feel I can touch her at this point .... she brought it up and we talked about it ... for the first time .. openly and honestly. Started with the kissing stuff the day before ... I shared that PT is my LL, its how I feel emotionally connected, and I NEED that. I told her not to bring up OM and the A but its there, I feel like I have to compete with that, that she shared that sacred thing with him and severed all ties to me in that area. Where as she still felt the ties .. but she understood finally that physical touch is just as important to me as Quality time and words of Affirmation are to her ... the light went off. She then shared more remorse about the A, understood how I felt and it was justified with "what she did to me" as she put it ... told me when we discuss it it brings up anger in her .. not at me but how stupid she was, how ashamed, how much damage she caused. I will not lie .. I know how rare it is for a MLCr to actually own this ... it was really nice to hear it. Then we talked about sex, she shared with me that she did used to hold it out as punishment and realized how much that must have hurt me knowing its how I feel love, she was sorry, she also told me the heath was the issue, but as she became better our issues and problems would not allow her to feel close enough to me to share that. I validated there as I understand that aspect ... I did share the hurt that she shared it with OM rather fast .... she said "you assume I shared that with him so quickly hurts" I simply stated she can not really hide that fact 3 months after OM and her were 'an item' they had sex. Again ... rather than be defensive she came closer and apologized. She asked if I believed her when she told me she loved me. I told her I do, but its been so long, and she does not say it often, I even shared that I felt the love her and I share was very deep, hence why we were still in that bed together after all that we went through. She then came in close as I held her tight, she asked if I still found her sexy, I squeezed her and told her she had no idea how attractive I thought she was, told her why ... how certain things over the years had added to it. We talked about sex, about how she in fact does want it, how we both see its important .. a bit of heavy petting and playful ness. No ML but ... the fact we talked about it openly .. it was no longer taboo ... HUGE
I am at peace currently with things, I feel by telling her what I needed, and seeing that she was in fact not only understanding .. but receptive and wanting to make an effort .. again .. HUGE. I left for work and she even laid a pretty big hug and kiss on me asking "is this better?" I told her it was perfect.
So I realize we will backslide .. but I do feel as bad as Saturday was, I have been firm in what I need in all this .. realizing I matter and in return W respects that finally ... even is a bit humble these days which is new and welcomed.
We have 2 weeks till the next Post session, I hope to make some progress with our 'homework'
