Ripken - WW filed for Divorce and I moved Out #5

[Ripken8]

I had dreams about my ww for first time since I moved out - obviously due to the conversation and hug yesterday. I've been asking myself this morning, why I miss her so much and why I now seem to have a "I want her back" feeling, almost need her back.

I was doing so well at detaching and getting a life. What I'm realizing is that right now, this feeling isn't a feeling of I want her back, it's deeper than that.

When I see her and think about our marriage, I feel I failed and I'm a failure. I want another chance to right the wrongs and feel she's the key to get me that chance - pursuing. Also, deeper than that, if I fail or am a failure, I feel I'm worthless and my purpose for anything is moot.

Right now/today I am still equating my marriage to her and the life we had as my sole purpose for life and what would make me happy. It's my self worth and I need to do more work to get past that.

WW and our marriage won't be able to fully repair my lack of self esteem or value, just give it a Band-Aid and maybe that's what's been on it for 14 years. Until I'm able to repair that, our M will never be successful, I'll never be truly happy and anyone else in the future I meet will probably have the same end result.

Lots to work on, but at least I'm finally starting to understand that this pain/longing for ww isn't solely about her and our M. If I truly dig deeper to the why, it's really about me.