Trying to stay focus on me.....this is a challenge

[CindySy]

correction:
I have told the male online friend that we can''t meet AGAIN & the reason was that I wanted to work on getting on my H back & he was ok with it, we text a little but nothing serious.

[asitis]

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up about wanting to go down that path w/ OM. We have probably all have been tempted to do so, and for many of us, it was the lack of availability during that most vulnerable of times that likely kept us on the right path rather than moral fortitude.

I know you are cutting back your contact w/ this person, but I'd really question continuing texting. In part, do you think your H is above doing a little snooping when he goes through one of the inevitable swings of mood or starts to get worried that your changes mean you won't be sitting on the shelf where he left you?

I also know that you've mentioned several times about being remote and feeling isolated. This turn of events really drives home that putting an extra effort to figure out healthy activities that bring you into contact with people is in order. It is hard. You may have to look and drive further afield, but you need to think in terms of activities you'd like to join in and let the friendships follow. Isolation increases the vulnerability. Being involved with groups spreads the emotional support around. Sure it increases the number of candidates for a dalliance, but it also dilutes the possible intensity of encounters w/ any one person and the presence of the group helps keep up just enough self-consciousness about being detected that it lowers the chances of acting.

Finally, it is also OK to enjoy it. You deserve it. You haven't been getting that affirmation. Unfortunately, as other's have pointed out it is addicting. It also doesn't ultimately help you grow into a person capable of having healthy relationships. Instead of hanging in there and building the capacity to comfort ourselves, to affirm ourselves, to individuate, etc. we turn to a crutch that inhibits this necessary growth. That won't help building a new M with your H should he come around and you still want to do so, or have Rs in the future that don't repeat the same mistakes and dynamics that contributed to the trouble your M is in right now.

Besides, as an therapist worth their salt would tell you: you cannot have a healthy intimate (& I'm not talking about sex, but the kind of vulnerable sharing and mutually nurturing) R with anyone right now. Not your H. Not anyone.

As you have noticed, you really didn't understand how hard we were warning you that this was going to all be, but you are getting it. We wish we could spare you of that. You are way ahead of where most of us were during this phase, and you will have the support and feedback to try to at least make this painful time count for something good.

Good luck. Keep letting us know what is going on w/ your sitch and your thoughts.

[CindySy]

Thank you so much Asitis, I really do appreciate everyone's time on here, god knows it help me a lot.

I have hear on here on several occation "You are way ahead of where most of us were during this phase"

what do you mean by that?

[asitis]

Thank you so much Asitis, I really do appreciate everyone's time on here, god knows it help me a lot.

I have hear on here on several occation "You are way ahead of where most of us were during this phase"

what do you mean by that?

Most of us have fumbled around doing all the wrong things for months and months before finding our way to DBing. When we went through the really tough early times you are struggling with, we lacked a lot of the tools that would help us get through it more effectively, be more skillful in dealing with our Ms, and make progress on ourselves.

You are here before making so many of those mistakes, so you are way ahead of many of us in turning the M around rather than digging the hole deeper. It is good news, although I'm sure right now you aren't feeling like there can be much good news.

[CindySy]

Asitis, I got sooo lucky that a friend from work gave me the name of a women therapist that is about saving marriages & that right away told me to read this book and has been helping me with it as well, I feel blessed.

[Sotto]

Hi Cindy, don't beat yourself up about being friendly with another guy, but do recognise your own vulnerabilities just now. Lucky for you that this guy seems okay, but going to his home without having met him or taken some minimum security measures wasn't wise IMHO. Good for you to realise that and pull back. I agree with Asitis - continued texting probably isn't a good idea either.

I have recently made a couple of new female friends and we go out for coffee, dinner, to a movie, theatre and so on. One is happily married, the other had a difficult D from an unfaithful H. It's great to spend more time in female company. We have some good laughs, heart to hearts and there aren't any of the risks associated with a male 'friend.' I met one friend from joining a female social group and the other from volunteering to help out at the elections recently. I've learned that you have to put yourself out there, and connect with people, and good things come from that.

Take care...you're doing really well (((Cindy)))

.

[CindySy]

Thank you so mcuh Toots, any enocuragements & advicce is very welcome.

Putting myself out there is very hard for me....but I know it's must.

So many changes and new things......it's crazy

[Pyrite]

Hey Cindy,

I agree with above - don't beat yourself up. it is only natural. dont know if i have said this to you or not - but grief, what you are going through is normal. In my case at least what has helped a great deal is to not try and fight it. (well some of the time i get this right). if you are sad, let yourself be sad. by all means tell yourself about all the things you should be appreciating. about all the things you have learnt that are going to make a better future. etc. but don't necessarily tell yourself, or medicate to directly not be sad.

your brain is wired one, and now it is re-wiring. you will keep hurting (at least) until this is done. The re-wiring brings with it pain. If you keep pushing out the pain, the work will never get done.

When it is cold outside I feel the cold on my skin and focus that the cold is there. This works for a long time before the cold penetrates my body. My friends, W, etc - they always start shivering and cross their arms etc immediately after going outside. Let the pain wash over you, touch your skin, but dont hold on to it, dont force it away, just let it pass. Easier said than done.

Also Cindy, I have recently reignited a discussion with Smothy about meditation. This has saved my life on several occasions, absolutely including this one. dont know if your interested?

take care - Py

[asitis]

Py,

Did you develop those practices on your own or learn them from someone? I ask because those are very old Buddhist practices to deal with emotions and discomfort. If you came up with them on your own, you have some good intuition. Maybe time for you to find a fig tree to sit under (the historical Buddha supposedly was sitting under a Sacred Fig tree - aka Bodhi Tree - when he realized enlightenment)?

They are also very much in keeping with the basic psychological maxim that to constructively deal with difficult emotions, we should lean in gently and with curiosity.

I've also found these kinds of practices (I wish I were better with hot and humid right now ... and mosquitoes) very effective once you work with them a while.

[Pyrite]

hi Asitis,

I learnt a few different forms of meditation and relaxation from my parents when I was younger, ~9. From then on it was just reading, although I lost it for ~10 years. Found it again when I was 21, 24, 27, 30 for short bursts and then very sporadically for the past 12 years until now.

Perhaps were you meaning the thing with the cold? That was me. It just flows naturally. The main reason my parents taught me to meditate is that I went through a rough and painful time when I was young. The cold was just the same, an uncomfortable sensation, but turn it into just a sensation and it is easier to deal with.

I have always been hesitant to call myself a Buddhist. I dont feel worthy of the pious connotations. However, I think I am crossing that line ATM. I actually went to the Bodhi Tree, where Budha delivered his first teachings, and a host of "religious" landmarks across the middle east and Asia. Very worthwhile trip.

I've also found these kinds of practices (I wish I were better with hot and humid right now ... and mosquitoes) very effective once you work with them a while.

Mozzies are a b**ch! You try to ignore the itch and it drives you crazy . Thats it exactly - it is what I keep saying to people here WRT detachment, letting go. Don't worry about how much you achieve, just practice. I've just been talking about this again with Smothy.