Time to bury the mustard seed

[mustardseed]

Msd

I am thinking about you and your sitch.

Fins look tough but honey you are one of the strongest here, one of the most imaginative, one of the most talented.

I believe in Msd. Now let's have a plan.

So what is happening on the Fin front?

What plans to earn the extra cash?

V

So I have two tutoring jobs 2 hours a day 5 days a week which pays about the same as a whole day of subbing, so that isn't so bad. The start after independence day. The problem is that I won't be able to stay away from home as much as I hoped because the cases are near home. And being home is absolute torture.

I stopped home today to drop of the kids, but I am going to stay with my parents for a couple of days. The tension is so incredible. The hate he has towards me is insane. I left before I let it get to me to the point of reacting. But I feel the anxiety building. I feel like I am getting back to the point I was at in April. I decided that I need to get back on the meds for now. I really thought I'd feel better once school ended. I really don't.

Tomorrow I am going to start applying for some real jobs. I also have to help my uncles move. That will be a good thing to do. They are fun, and it will be good to help out others.

I am resisting the desire to reach out to HNF...I just need to be reminded why it is a bad idea.

My cousin (the only one who knows about him) told me:

• The good feelings it might give me are only temporary, and after it's done I will feel worse.
  
• Think of how I would want my D to handle such situations. Is jumping into a bandaid situation worth my self respect? Even if they never know about it, I am still a role model and need to behave in a way my kids would be proud. I am STILL MARRIED.
  
• I need to be the better person. Whatever H is doing does not mean I need to sink to the same lows.
  

It makes sense. But I really just want to wrap myself in something superficial to pass the time until the pain goes away. That's how I always handled things before kids. Now I am a mother. I have to actually go through things with full awareness and experience the pain. But maybe I can find other GAL things that can help bear the brunt a bit.