Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[asitis]

Clearer now.

My W is mourning the loss of our M and feeling grief & suffering. I'm sure others (like your cousin) will read that as she is having second thoughts and wants M back. Unfortunately, it isn't what she means at all. It is what it is.

Your cousin was well-meaning, but don't act on anything any third party tells you, unless it is "your W told me that she wants to reconcile but is struggling with whether you'll take her back" ... or "how to bring it up given the pain she has called" ... or something else very explicitly a message from W via a middle man/woman. If she wants to work on the R, she will let you know. Until she does, don't try to work on the R. I'd even back off on the including her in your personal program to deal with your recovery. She is willing to, but you are just reminding her that she wants to move on and reminding her that you did things that didn't make her happy.

You want things to settle, no reminders of bad things. No reaching out to show her you are working on those things she flagged. Work on them, but for yourself. You don't want her thinking you are doing this to get her back, as she doesn't want back and she will feel pursued.

I'd ask the DB coach again about the moving to making amends when the W clearly has told you she doesn't want to work on the M, but that you should focus on working on you. I don't know enough about what your interactions have been lately (or exactly what DB coach said), but based on what you've said, you can't be the one to suggest working on the M. The WAW is going to make it about your problem driving her away, but from what you've said she said, it is that she is going off to work on the problem that is preventing her from wanting to work on the M.

So, she has said, you need to stop working on step 2 (the M) and work on step 1 (you). You aren't the one to decide, hey I'm done with step 1 & ready for step 2, as it really isn't about you working on step 1. It is about her working on her step 1 and deciding she is ready to work on step 2. See?

Besides, W is not going to take your word for it that you have dealt with step 1. She will need to see that you are different. And that will include (prob. more than the pot/drinking/emotional availability issue) that you have stopped pursuing saving the M. And even then, if she isn't ready, she isn't ready. It [censored] to have her calling the shots on this, but you aren't powerless. You are making moves to stop pursuit, GAL, 180s, etc. and that will give her the time, space, and changes in your R dynamics that give you the best shot.

So, slow down the MC step until you confirm with your DB coach that this is what he/she meant and report back how your W has responded.

Good luck.