Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

[t33]

Didn't see this post until I'd already gone back to the hotel. She was asleep and I just went to sleep too. We slept in and left to go to breakfast separately. She texted me where she was and asked if I wanted to join. While probably doing the wrong thing, I said yes and joined her. We are mostly in silence.

We then took a long walk prior to the event tonight and of course I talked to her. I said in the heat of the moment and all the passion and craziness of yesterday we shouldn't be making any major decisions. For both of us. She can't really hear me of course - no ability to listen to logic.

Yesterday she called her work and took back her resignation. While she doesn't want to go back it she wants to make sure she has a job and doesn't want to take the potential job at my work anymore. She also said she realized she needed to take care of herself since I asked for her credit cards when she gave me her rings yesterday. It was at the heat of the moment. Ugh.

She said the other man broke it off yesterday. I'm sure it's because I threatened to expose them to his family. Even with him "gone" (for now) - She said that she will always feel the same love for him and that she will never feel the same for me again. While I know this isn't necessarily true - it is very hard. She's preparing herself to leave. She's said she's done lots of thinking yesterday and I feel like she's resigned herself that she doesn't want to try anymore. We were supposed to move out of the country together in January for a short time for my work. She was so excited - even know the OM wouldn't be there. I doubt she has any desire to go anymore.

I feel like she is completely lost at this point and don't know if she'll ever come back. I know - detach, GAL, etc. this is just too hard. I'm completely in a whirlwind and I don't know how to get out. She's distancing herself and her emotions from me. I feel like I'm completely losing her.

[Matt777]

T33 -

Here's the image that really helped me to understand the dynamics. Pretend you're walking and something grabs onto your leg. You're going to shake your leg to try to get it off, right? What happens if it clings on? You shake your leg HARDER right?

So, the only thing you can do is let go. You can't control her. You can't cling to her. You have no chance of success that way - things will only get worse! So let her go. Let her distance...but stop your pursuit.

In the meantime, focus on you. Reflect. Improve. Use this space and time.

[sandi2]

You have the chance to turn the dynamics around and now is the perfect time. You can use this opportunity to cause her to think you may be thinking of dumping her. By not staying with her and not have a R talk, and leaving her there.......that will get her attention more than anything you could do at the moment.

Didn't see this post until I'd already gone back to the hotel

You asked what you needed to do. You still could have left the hotel. Instead, you hung around to be the backboard for her pi$$ed attitude, have breakfast with her, go for a walk with her, and have a R talk with her. Why are you choosing to do the opposite of what you need to do?

[t33]

Yesterday we only chatted by text twice regarding the kids. At work she told somebody it's still over but they said she sounded concerned and a bit confused. In the evening we had a pleasant time and shared a few laughs. Later in then evening she worked out at home and I told a walk for exercise. When I came back she was cold and distant so I gave her space and didn't pursue. This morning she said she didn't sleep well at all and continued to be cold and distant. I kept a positive PMA and stayed as happy as I could be. I guess it should be expected for her emotions to fluctuate greatly. Still - if she is hardening her stance it feels like she is doing everything she can to distance herself and get rid of any feelings for me.

Naturally yesterday I found out my work was going to call her to offer the job to her. I've asked them to wait and am stalking them as long as I can to hopefully give her time to decompress before she turns down an opportunity of a lifetime in the midst of emotional crisis.

The kids go to parents tomorrow morning to spend some time during summer break. I'll continue my PMA while they are gone and try not to pressure and pursue her.

Had my first DB coaching session yesterday. Felt better after that and felt better at home until later in the evening when she turned cold.

I haven't given up yet - but I am struggling.

[t33]

Hard hard times. Some mixed signals. Texted me briefly a couple times yesterday. Then at home, icy cold. I'm working on PMA and lovingly detaching. I feel like I did a good job last night.

Today I'm a bit of a wreck. I know I know...detach...it's for me, not for her - but my god it's hard. Saw in her calendar she scheduled a tattoo consult for tomorrow. She's talked about wanting to get it for a while, but now she's fully moving forward and hasn't told me. I know - detach and let go.

I realize this could take months and months to recover - if it can happen. I realize she's depressed - probably at losing the OM (if that's in fact where things are at). I realize at the moment I'm the source of taking away her one shot at true happiness. Still - it feels as though she's doing everything she can to distance and disconnect from me most of the time. But the mixed signals show her confusion.

I'm working on GAL and going out with a friend tonight. Of course I don't want to - but I will.

I've been reading as much as I can on the board, but I'm not finding any comfort.

Anybody out there with similar near separation/marriage is over spewing wives that recovered? I could really use something positive.

[Matt777]

Hard hard times. Some mixed signals. Texted me briefly a couple times yesterday. Then at home, icy cold. I'm working on PMA and lovingly detaching. I feel like I did a good job last night.

Today I'm a bit of a wreck. I know I know...detach...it's for me, not for her - but my god it's hard. Saw in her calendar she scheduled a tattoo consult for tomorrow. She's talked about wanting to get it for a while, but now she's fully moving forward and hasn't told me. I know - detach and let go.

I realize this could take months and months to recover - if it can happen. I realize she's depressed - probably at losing the OM (if that's in fact where things are at). I realize at the moment I'm the source of taking away her one shot at true happiness. Still - it feels as though she's doing everything she can to distance and disconnect from me most of the time. But the mixed signals show her confusion.

I'm working on GAL and going out with a friend tonight. Of course I don't want to - but I will.

I've been reading as much as I can on the board, but I'm not finding any comfort.

Anybody out there with similar near separation/marriage is over spewing wives that recovered? I could really use something positive.

If you look at Mozza's thread, it has links to success stories.

With respect to the distance, the way I think about it is like you're on a walk together but she's three steps ahead of you. What you want to do is just STOP WALKING. Of course, for the first bit, she IS going to get farther away. That's ok. What's not ok is stopping for a bit and then running after her. Or stopping and walking the other way. Our goal is to just stop walking and read a book or watch the clouds or something. The HOPE is that somedY, she will turn around and start walking back.

Keep it up, T. Stay strong.

[CaliGuy]

t33

Alot of things have happened ... are you the only one who has ever been wher eyou are? Nope ... That being said ... if you do not follw the advice, take some of the DB tools and actually USE them, then all you fear that will happen probably will

Hard hard times. Some mixed signals. Texted me briefly a couple times yesterday. Then at home, icy cold. I'm working on PMA and lovingly detaching. I feel like I did a good job last night.

Let her pout/mourn her long lost love ... the one that she knew deep down was wrong and would never amount to anything. Mickey Mouse died and its tragic ... let her be.

Today I'm a bit of a wreck. I know I know...detach...it's for me, not for her - but my god it's hard. Saw in her calendar she scheduled a tattoo consult for tomorrow. She's talked about wanting to get it for a while, but now she's fully moving forward and hasn't told me. I know - detach and let go.

Its ok to be a wreck .. we all have been there. Just DO NOT show that side to her. No woman is attracted to Eeyore. The tattoo ... let her do it, her body, her choice .... depending on what she gets it may be another mistake she will later regret. ... again ... nothing to do with you.

I realize this could take months and months to recover - if it can happen. I realize she's depressed - probably at losing the OM (if that's in fact where things are at). I realize at the moment I'm the source of taking away her one shot at true happiness. Still - it feels as though she's doing everything she can to distance and disconnect from me most of the time. But the mixed signals show her confusion.

I just shared in another thread, scientists say it takes 100 days of no contact/acts to break an addictive pattern. she is on day what .. 2-3? When and if she texts him .. reset this clock.

I'm working on GAL and going out with a friend tonight. Of course I don't want to - but I will.

I've been reading as much as I can on the board, but I'm not finding any comfort.

Anybody out there with similar near separation/marriage is over spewing wives that recovered? I could really use something positive.

No near separation here ... I have been separated for almost 2 years now. Guess what ... in the last 2 weeks I have slept with my wife 9 nights out of 13. I have had D thrown at me 3 times in 2 years, the last of which I was mere weeks away from being final with it all. my W had an A, refused to give it up and I assure you I was the number 1 enemy in her mind ..... not to say your situation is not bad ... but trust me others here have had it worse ... you are not alone.

Trust the advice you get ... read Sandis 37 every flippin day .. it has to sink in to that head of yours even though it may feel like you are doing the opposite of what you feel you should .... rather than run after her and hug her .. go out, do your thing ... your W really needs to have space (what she wanted right? Give it to her) and think about her life, what she wants .... she will not want you if you appear needy and weak.
You confronted OM, and OM did not fight for their 'love' so she is hurt ... blames you .. but deep down it confirms what she already knew .. the A was build on lies and deceit and would never make it.

[t33]

With respect to the distance, the way I think about it is like you're on a walk together but she's three steps ahead of you. What you want to do is just STOP WALKING. Of course, for the first bit, she IS going to get farther away. That's ok. What's not ok is stopping for a bit and then running after her. Or stopping and walking the other way. Our goal is to just stop walking and read a book or watch the clouds or something. The HOPE is that somedY, she will turn around and start walking back.

Thank you Matt777, that is a great analogy. So hard. Of course I feel like our marriage fell apart because I already stopped walking, so it's very hard to do the same thing again.

Trying hard to figure out how to apply this while lovingly detaching. The kids are with my parents and we were supposed to go meet them for 4th of July. Do I bother asking if she's going? Do I just plan to go and leave her if she doesn't join? I'm not at a NC stage, so how do I apply this here? Ask with PMA and show PMA with either response?

Alot of things have happened ... are you the only one who has ever been wher eyou are? Nope ... That being said ... if you do not follw the advice, take some of the DB tools and actually USE them, then all you fear that will happen probably will

As usual, you are spot on. And no, I know I'm not the only one where I am - and I'm thankful to have the support here. Still I feel pathetic groveling. I just have nowhere else to go. I'm trying to follow advice. Trying to follow DB coach advice. Trying to stay strong.

Let her pout/mourn her long lost love ... the one that she knew deep down was wrong and would never amount to anything. Mickey Mouse died and its tragic ... let her be.

Happy to let her be. If it takes weeks for her to get over the OM - I can deal with that. I just don't want her to do something extreme in the meantime in the heat of emotion/depression/anger. But yes - again I know - detach, it's her choices.

In a similar fashion, I'm holding off the other job opportunity for as long as I can - but I know there will come a time when I can't hold them any longer. If she chooses to give up the opportunity of a lifetime, again, that will have to be her choice.

Today I'm a bit of a wreck. I know I know...detach...it's for me, not for her - but my god it's hard. Saw in her calendar she scheduled a tattoo consult for tomorrow. She's talked about wanting to get it for a while, but now she's fully moving forward and hasn't told me. I know - detach and let go.

Its ok to be a wreck .. we all have been there. Just DO NOT show that side to her. No woman is attracted to Eeyore. The tattoo ... let her do it, her body, her choice .... depending on what she gets it may be another mistake she will later regret. ... again ... nothing to do with you.

Agreed - I have been holding strong when I'm with her. It's draining though. And when I'm alone, or at work, or wandering around aimlessly, it's very hard. The tattoo is hard. It's something we've talked about. I was going to go with her (it's not her first). I might have gotten my first with her this time. Again, detach, but so hard. What do I say when she tells me she's doing it? Or does it without telling me? DB coach says in every interaction she has an expected reaction. I suppose her expected reaction from me would be to push against it. I guess I react in a positive and encouraging way? But does that come across as just saying it to try to "win her back" or is there a way to not come across that way? I suppose I'm over analyzing, I just have no idea.

I just shared in another thread, scientists say it takes 100 days of no contact/acts to break an addictive pattern. she is on day what .. 2-3? When and if she texts him .. reset this clock.

And now she's not leaving her job, so he'll always be accessible - but I suppose eventually it won't be hopeless...hopefully..

No near separation here ... I have been separated for almost 2 years now. Guess what ... in the last 2 weeks I have slept with my wife 9 nights out of 13.

So amazing. Inspiring and scary.

[t33]

Another question I have been struggling with today.

As I detach, GAL, don't initiate calls or texts, don't initiate conversations, etc. - how do I appear to have not given up on the relationship? Or is that the strategy? Of course my fear is that she's looking for an excuse and if she sees that I've given up, that will give her the push to give up too.

Also, in preparing for the worst. How do I respond if she says she wants to move out? She'll need money for it, so she'd have to ask me unless of course she moves in with a friend. My instinct would be to say NO, not yet - let's just wait things out. But I know that must not be the best response. How should one respond to something like this?

[t33]

So I'm sure I did this wrong. Wife called me on her drive home from work. She sounds very depressed. But she asked if I was going out tonight. I said I was going with a couple buddies.

She asked how late I was coming home, because she was going to get her tattoo consult tonight at another place (closer to home and the calendar entry for tomorrow disappeared so they must not have been available). She asked if I wanted to go, and in PMA I said, "Sure, I'd love to go". She asked when I'd be home, I said I didn't know, maybe 9/9:30pm. I offered we could go at 10pm. She said she didn't think she wanted to go that late. I said it'd be great to go with her, otherwise we could go tomorrow. She said no, she might have lunch plans tomorrow. I didn't ask who with - she didn't offer. I said, oh ok, I thought we were going to the movie. She said she didn't think so, she hasn't really wanted to talk/see anybody and doesn't really feel like hanging out with anyone this week. I said, oh ok. Trying to keep PMA.

I suppose the correct thing would have been to say I didn't know when I'd be home and she could do whatever she wanted? I was trying not to pursue, but it did feel like I was pushing her to wait to go with me.

How do I deal with tonight? Wait for her to call and ask when I'll be home if I'm gonna go with her? If she does, what do I say?

Do I text her around 9 and say I'm having a great time and won't be home until a bit later so she can either go tonight or wait for me and we'll go together tomorrow?

Or, do I just stay out until whenever, don't text her and just come home and she either has gone or not?

Trying to follow DB techniques, but need a little guidance!!