Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Thank you for stopping by Asitis, I've followed your comments elsewhere and value your opinion. Your comments to Rzak were very influential in some journaling I just completed about my fear of filling my life up. I'll post those next.

As for your questions.

I assumed you talked to W and she clarified that she wasn't coming to work on the R? How did that come about? Did you approach her w/ the news from the cousin, and if so how? What exactly did W say? What steps did she say she was planning to take and what steps has she taken either already or since then.

I did talk to my W on the phone. To back up, I have a DB Coach and he recommended that I do the 9th step (I'm in a Buddhist version of the 12 steps) with my W. I was addicted to pot when she met me, wasn't a big drinker but by the end of our marriage was drinking 4 nights a week and every weekend. I never got drunk as I don't like hangovers, but 3 - 4 beers a night was common. Couple that with a joint or two and I was checked out every night. My W craves deep connection. Truthfully, I believe we were both terrified of it despite our mutual need for it.

So I sent my W an email asking if she would sit down with me and a C to go over that step - making amends. I had spoken to her cousin the day before just to fill him in on our situation after finding out that he didn't know.

The day after I sent the email to her I sent him a text saying I had reached out to her by email. He called me immediately and told me to call her saying he had spoken to her that morning and that she "was mourning the loss of the M, mourning the loss of you, and wanted me to man up and call her if I wanted to work on our M."

I might have read into that too much that she was interested or at least open to the idea of us working together. I called her and told her that I was still interested in working on our M and asked if she had gotten my email. She said she had and although she didn't want to dredge up the past was willing to sit down with me as it would be a good way "to get closure". When I asked if she would feel more comfortable at her IC's she said, "No, my IC is part of my new life and I don't want to associate you with her."

Specifically I never told her that I had spoken to her cousin. We were going off of my email request to sit down for the 9th step. When she left she told me to stop fighting for our M and to fight for myself. So in our call I told her that I had fought for myself, gotten myself well and didn't want to walk away from our M without at least sitting down and having a conversation with a third party in the room. She agreed.

She hasn't said that she has taken any steps. When I returned from a leave out of the country I told her that my focus was on my sobriety and getting back to work but I was open to communication with her. She replied that "we need to at some point in the future think about who gets our dog, as well as filing and finalizing everything." That's all I've heard from her on the subject and that was prior to me speaking with her cousin.

Also, I see you have MC scheduled. Her initiative or yours? If hers and she says that she wants closure, seriously ask why an MC? What does she think that will accomplish?

The MC session I've written about is the session she agree to that is part 9th step, part just the need to talk with a third party present. I should qualify that it's not a true "MC" session, just a way for us both to speak with a profession in the room.

We both agreed that there were communication challenges when we talk - she took my focus on sobriety and work as "I could tell you had moved on" when in fact that's the farthest thing from the truth. I had returned to my hometown after being gone for two months and wasn't sure how well I was going to integrate back into my community as a sober person and without her.

My point was simply that my sobriety had to be goal #1. Low and behold it hasn't been an issue at all, nor do I expect it to be. I'm almost 40 and can make my own decisions. I realized after about 4 days that it wasn't going to be a problem.

Again, I appreciate your take on all of this. I'm looking at it in the DB manner of - there's still a reason she hasn't filed. She doesn't need my permission or blessing or closure to do so. She sure as hell didn't need any of the above to leave! But something is still holding her back and I can use this time wisely.

She told me early that she needed to see how I shake out with sobriety before she makes any final decisions. My W works at drug rehabs and believes that the odds are against me. I've changed my life but she is still very hesitant to bring me back into her life at all right now. I understand that after 5 years of seeing the same patterns and hearing that "I'm fine, it's just a tough week."