My heart goes out to you Dif, keep breathing. Today may feel grey, passionless, and with no possible light at the end of it, but tomorrow is a brand new day. Even if tomorrow feels the same, they all won't.
You're in the valley right now, especially feeling the separation from your boys. It's only natural, and would be worrisome if you felt otherwise. As is said on here often, lean into it. Lean into the pain and and let it guide you. It's a sign that you love deeply and that should be celebrated even if the thought of doing so is nearly impossible.
Like Heavy, I'm glad your Mom is there to lend you some support. We're here for the same.
Big hug, I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17