On silence and patience

[asitis]

Sorry you are in one of the down swings at the moment. It probably doesn't help much to remind you that these are swings, and they are normal and often not really tied to S's behavior but our own turbulent emotional life right now.

Georgia's post reminded me of one of Sandi2's on WW, asking LBHs why they were so afraid of pissing off their WW. As many have posted in a number of threads, the normal rules of interaction don't apply when their is an A, and signs of progress often are not the same as the ones you see DBing a M where there isn't an OM/OW. You might want to go back and read the thread on Sandi's advice the LBHs w/ WW to see if you are looking for the right signs and keeping her advice in mind as you navigate the crazy world of interacting w/ a WW.

Good luck & hang strong. You've shown the fortitude for this. Remember that and draw on it for extra strength right now.

[NDY]

Hello NDY,

A friend passed this along to me today. I found it encouraging and wanted to share it with you:

Faith…Trust…Hope…Confidence…Love…Attitude

{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain,
on the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH

{2}
When you throw a baby in the air,
she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

That's TRUST

{3}
Every night we go to bed,
without any assurance of being alive the next morning
but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow
in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE

{5}
We see the world suffering,
but still we get married and have children.

That's LOVE

{6}
On an old lady's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 80 years old....
I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience'

That's ATTITUDE

Have a happy day,

Live your life like the six stories above!

Hey Bob. I saw you post this in a few different threads. Beautiful. Thanks friend.

[NDY]

Hey asitis. Thanks for coming back.

I've read sandi's threads several times. Required reading IMO in my sitch. I devour everything she says and I hope her current situation with family health issues gets better soon. She's a star. So yea, I could probably recite them word for word. I think it's the APPLICATION I've got wrong so far not the concept. I see GB's post and sandi's post complementing each other. Sandi from the mindset of the WW and GB from being a man in that situation.

So like I said. I need to reflect and try another plan. Right up the DB street, right?

[asitis]

Hey asitis. Thanks for coming back.

I've read sandi's threads several times. Required reading IMO in my sitch. I devour everything she says and I hope her current situation with family health issues gets better soon. She's a star. So yea, I could probably recite them word for word. I think it's the APPLICATION I've got wrong so far not the concept. I see GB's post and sandi's post complementing each other. Sandi from the mindset of the WW and GB from being a man in that situation.

So like I said. I need to reflect and try another plan. Right up the DB street, right?

Part of my point was that maybe not another plan, but that you might not see the usual signs of progress in a WW. You are dealing with 2 or maybe 3 other people (it can be helpful to consider the interpersonal dynamics of your W & lover a separate beast in itself that is driving both of them in ways you can't see). You have no idea what signs of change are going on in her A that are totally out of sight. And the conditions in that R drive some of her behavior towards you, and really have little to do with anything you did. And, then some of the things you do cause reactions that might appear as lack of progress (she gets angry and curtails contact) because she is realizing something very painful about her A because of your actions or her walking away from you. Others have raised ways in which reading the WW is similar to a S in MLC. The rules are just different, the signs much more difficult to read, and there is a lot of rollercoaster riding that is driven more by their turmoil. It requires more wait and see patience, as there is a lot of noise out hiding the signals.

So, not that some tweeks in the plan are not worth considering, but also consider that the seeming lack of progress may either be false or just harder to see as quickly. I can't imagine the difficulty doing the DB phone coaching from where you are, but one of the things I've found helpful with it is that I will relay what has been going on and my coach will pick out signs of progress that I and the folks here have not seen. They've just worked with a lot more cases and have the training to see things that others miss. You might consider it even though it might be both expensive and a bit of a PITA to do.

Keep your chin up!

[NDY]

Hi folks.

So last night was a blast. Met an old mate I haven't seen in too many years. Food and banter was out there.

Got up really early and cleaned the house from top to bottom. STBXW came round to collect some stuff. I'm glad the house was in perfect order when she turned up. She's lost her engagement ring (not sure why she wanted it) and of course the accusations started but I didn't bite. Did manage to ask her how last night went. Had my Clint hat on. And she managed to talk to me without going off on one.

Have spent the rest of the day shopping and gardening. Honestly the garden is in such a state because I wasn't here at the start of the year. So yea, settling into a routine.

S9 is at a friends. Won't be back till later. Little dude was all "but we have all of tommorow". Nah wee dude, you go be a normal 9yr old. He shouldn't need to worry about how much time he does or doesn't spen with each parent. Anyway it's Netflix and chocolate later. In the meantime I'm sitting in the sun having a beer.

Happy Saturday.

[Huddy]

Beer, chocolate, sunshine. What's not to like about that!

[NDY]

Beer, chocolate, sunshine. What's not to like about that!

Yea mate. Nailed it.

[Huddy]

Quiet day for both of us it seems. Catch up tomorrow.

[Bob723]

Hello NDY,

A friend passed this along to me today. I found it encouraging and wanted to share it with you:

Faith…Trust…Hope…Confidence…Love…Attitude

{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain,
on the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH

{2}
When you throw a baby in the air,
she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

That's TRUST

{3}
Every night we go to bed,
without any assurance of being alive the next morning
but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow
in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE

{5}
We see the world suffering,
but still we get married and have children.

That's LOVE

{6}
On an old lady's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 80 years old....
I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience'

That's ATTITUDE

Have a happy day,

Live your life like the six stories above!

Hey Bob. I saw you post this in a few different threads. Beautiful. Thanks friend.

Hi NDY,

Yes, I did. You're welcome and hang in there.

Bob

[Huddy]

You having a quiet day NDY?