Lost & confused

[Sotto]

Hi Tweets, I'm pleased that your H wants to try and work things out. I would just stay mindful that he did something similar last time. He seemed genuinely remorseful, but then went back to the previous behaviour.

I see some of that in his behaviour yesterday, being super affectionate with you. Like he just wants all the other stuff to be 'gone' - but then he still needs it and drifts back into it. I feel he isn't actually doing the work, you know?

One thing AGM talks about is people pleasing. H's who are caught cheating say 'I'll do anything to make this work' with you.' But then OW that they've been in touch with wants to keep in touch - and they don't want to be hurtful. Then they think - what harm can an email do? And off you go again....

I think you are doing well with the boundaries. I agree that this is time for you to think - what do I need in order to focus my efforts on the M? Full transparency? What does that look like? What do I need from H to start rebuilding trust? and so on. I wouldn't make it too easy with him. One of the mistakes I made with my H was not recognise the seriousness of him emailing OW to say he couldn't stop thinking about her. He broke things off when I found out. But she was upset, and they became involved again you know? It doesn't mean all is lost, but just to recognise that once there is waywardness, H may be drawn away from the M again.

My H described it as Pandora's box. It had been opened and he realised there were women out there who were interested in him.....once he had that realisation, it drew him away from the M. And I think there needs to be a 'shaken to the core' moment that he may lose the M in order for him to turn back.

Sorry - that may not be a very optimistic post, and I am keen to help. Maybe your experience might be different to mine....I hope so!!

Take care, Toots xx