hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Thanks for checking in Bob - you are a great friend to so many on these boards- you are so generous with your kind words and prayers to everyone.
Thank you - Peace to you.

Thanks V:It seems that she doesn't have her own account, there's my account and the common account now. So I still see any money that she spends. It is getting very complicated to keep track of who's paying what. The common account is very near empty until her check goes into it.

I am trying to pay for all of the past due necessities that have my name on it and others (utilities, school, phone) plus s17s auto repair (safety issue) groceries, house repair items) because what choice do I have. She has been buying some groceries, and now all of these legal fees - and still nails, clothes....)

not complaining, I am thankful for having a job, ways to pay for these things, and I really for knowing it is my responsibility.

I am worried about my fins and it is going to get worse. I have been stepping up my business and that's going ok right now.

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journal:

Earlier in the day today, while I was walking the dog (when I do some of my best thinking), I decided. I am going to retain the L and begin the process. I really feel that it is the way. It isn't a reaction to anything current, just accumulation sht I guess. I feel like I can put us all out of our misery this way.

and I was reminded somehow of something that happened to me when I was probably 10 or 11. shortened story - skip ahead if you'd like: I was hired to mow my neighbor's lawn which was really overgrown. While mowing, I ran over a (nest?) of mamma and baby rabbits. Mamma got away, but I had 7 dismembered but live baby rabbits that were suffering, and being 11, I panicked a little and made the decision to end their lives to help them, to remove their pain. I ended up killing them all. Looking back, maybe I should have decided to patch them up, nurse them to health, but in that instant, I didn't make that decision. Sounds trivial, but I think I was truly affected by this being 35 years ago and still very vivid.

but anyway

Last night's spew about ordering pizza was a good topper - she ramped up to 11 and threw her phone when I asked her if she was ordering the pizza or should I. Her antics made d15 cry and leave the room. (and this is over my control and dragging the kids into our situation - as she states). yikes

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Well - turns out that the concert was tonight not last night. so she asked me again and I said no. she stewed about that and went to the concert. She later texted me (I am not going to put the whole exchange but maybe the highlights - though it really didn't go anywhere except that she just wants me to be her friend)

w:you refuse to have any civil relationship, you have no desire to be friends.
w:you put the kids in the middle of it
w:you cannot even look at me
me:I'm sorry you feel that way - I don't know how you think I am putting the kids in the middle of this
w:you have and do not even realize it
me:the kids are involved whether you hide it or not. again you seem to blame me for everything(not exactly validating)
w:No. I've told you 100 times I will take all the blame for the destruction of our marriage - put it on a billboard if it makes you happy.
me: tell me how we are friends. I'm not sure I understand that. I am civil and will continue to be, I am just moving forward - yes it does affect the kids.
w:our marriage was over and anything going forward would need to be new - I though we agreed to that
me: we did - relationship was over, marriage was not. This three headed version of new does not work for me. and being changed to a buddy does not work for me.
w:It's pretty sad when you won't even try to be my friend and go to a concert
me: it is sad, it is all sad. do you think any of this makes me happy? You have not treated me as a friend.
w:*****you have shunned me and shamed me.
me:it is not my intention - it must hurt to feel that way
me: I am just trying to move forward
me: I'll ask again what has changed in the last 18 months, 12 months, 2 months. I see nothing.
w:ok

It then tapered off into her thinking it was a circle conversation and me saying it's not, and me saying she is just avoiding and not addressing any problems.

w:okay!!!!(her version of walking out of the room)

I know - stupid to even get into a conversation like this, seeing that it is the only conversation that we have had in 2 months.

I love weekends