Trying to stay focus on me.....this is a challenge

[Pyrite]

Pyrite, the male friend is not interested (I don't think), I am certainly not.
Why did you say to "Tread carfully"?


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"Love is a many splendoured thing." "splendoured" being the the operative word and a verb. I don't want to "cheapen" love, but like everything else it is just a facilitated biochemical reaction. You can meet someone who pushes all your buttons, or you can take ecstasy to get the rush. This is my first point. You may not intend on it, but you are already looking forward to it, you will probably enjoy it, it will lead to a 2nd "date" etc etc. You are emotional and vulnerable. So might he be. I have found my whole life that women "warm" to an emotional man and you might be over your head before you realise it.

M, is more than this. Your life with your H is more than this. Your family deserves better than this. This is medicating. I'm not suggesting that you will, or that you shouldn't, or it can't be platonic. I am just warning you to "tread carefully" and remember why you are here now. I am not saying this is a bad thing either. This might be the love of your life. I m just warning that there is every chance that what could seem now like a magical thing, could just be all your emotions so close to the surface and your brain will try and protect you, if there is the encouragement to divert your pain, your brain will probably take it. And in a year you could be back here, starting again, H long gone, more baggage etc.

That said, this can also be a good thing. Like prescribed anti-depressants for e.g. But abused, or illicit, its not longterm healthy. In short this is not the time. But if you can, go ahead but tread carefully.

RL has already warned of internet predators - so that covered.

Absolutely platonic Rs can exist between genders. I probably value my female friends more for conversation (in general). But meeting "some guy" for coffee that my W (previously anyway) doesn't know, and keeping it from her, would be an "awkward situation". Just imagine your H's friend sees you. You are feeding him ammunition.Tread carefully.

I find the conversations helpful, makes me feel not as alone & it gives me somthing to look forward too,

No doubt. Have them here. talk with him online. Now is not the time. Look forward to everything.


now with the questions you ask yourself "Would I be proud to tell my kids" the answer to that would be no because I don't want to hurt them and I don't want any relationship either, but I don't know if they would think I'm looking.

That's such a great question to ask.

And what do you mean "if you have to also add ANY qualifiers"

General by qualifiers I would mean if there is any condition upon an answer of yes or no. In this case, and given your actual answer I would say if there are ANY words following yes or no, then it is probably a bad idea. Imagine your kids see you there. What then? Why should you feel like you have to explain yourself? You shouldn't. You shouldn't be doing anything where you even feel like you have to explain yourself. The fact that you answered you are worried about HURTing them. I would suggest you cancel

lame e.g. Brain dead: late here.

would i be proud to tell my kids:

a) I found a cheap new TV: YES

So buy it.

b) I found a cheap new TV "that fell of the back of a truck": YES - but only excluding the whole truth

So dont buy it.

Thanks again go guiding me.

Thats what I am here for Cindy. It is a pleasure. Hope "my opinion" gives you more "options" to consider. DONT necessarily take it. After all I am just an anonymous hack that screwed up his M.

[PigPen]

You've gotten some good advice here Cyn.

My first thought about your "friend" is that he's not yet your "friend". He's someone that you met online and have talked with.

In situations like the ones most of us are in, we are extremely vulnerable to any opiate for our pain, anything to make it hurt just a little bit less. Just knowing that should make you extra weary.

May I ask where online you met him? I think that will qualify a lot of this.

There's nothing wrong with friends of the opposite sex. Especially if they were friends before your situation began. They'll lend you support in a really tough time.

I'd read Pyrite's post a few times over, there's a lot in there.

[Pyrite]

I'd read Pyrite's post a few times over, there's a lot in there.

Thanks PigPen. You've made my day. Well actually I am having a good day anyway, but you made it better.

[RosaLinda]

Excellent post Pyrite! I'm thinking you're a lot more than "just an anonymous hack that screwed up his M" LOL

PS Cindy these posts by Pyrite and PigPen and Asitis and Matt and Mr. Bond are what I was talking about when I said that a man's point of view on our DBing efforts is priceless. Thanks guys!

[PatientMan]

THANK YOU SO very much everyone, I think I might be looking for emotional support in the wrong place

Bingo.

If your goal is to reconcile with your husband, why would you do anything to jeopardize that goal?

You are being told to tread carefully, not just because of your own safety, but also because you could be setting yourself up for failure.

There are two people I know personally who were having trouble in their marriages (i.e. were unhappy). They lived in the same neighborhood and their kids went to the same school and had been friends for years. There was no intent by either party to do ANYthing that would be considered out of bounds.

Since they were going through similar circumstances they began to lean on each other for support. Makes sense, right? But that's when the emotional connection really started to cement itself. And when someone is connecting emotionally and getting emotional support from someone of the opposite sex who is NOT their spouse, THAT is a form of cheating. It is called "an emotional affair." (And emotional affairs are how many physical affairs begin.)

If you are committed to your marriage, do NOT start getting emotional support from another man. You may think you have the will power to control yourself and nothing but the best intentions, but these stories happen with great frequency and the typical tagline is "we are just friends." The story I just told is of my XW and her OM.

You are in a vulnerable state right now. Getting some validation from someone from the opposite sex sounds appealing. And you and others can convince yourself that it is harmless, but you are playing with fire. There is no reason to play with fire, ESPECIALLY when you're in an emotionally injured state. There is plenty of healthy and harmless support you can get and there is plenty of work to do on yourself to keep yourself busy and on the path to recovering yourself and hopefully your marriage.

I will repeat: If you are committed to your marriage, DO NOT START GETTING EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM ANOTHER MAN.

-PM

[Pyrite]

Thanks RL - honestly I think it is the feminine side of men, or filtered through a man's brain which is "priceless" . Likewise, vice versa for women. You carry it, Sandi nails it - her threads about WWs had guys hanging off it for 3 or 4 threads - now thats priceless.

Cindy, can you loo on my thread - I left something there for you.

[Pyrite]

PM - ditto - this EXACTLY how a lot of us arrived where we are. Our S did EXACTLY this.

Since they were going through similar circumstances they began to lean on each other for support. Makes sense, right? But that's when the emotional connection really started to cement itself. And when someone is connecting emotionally and getting emotional support from someone of the opposite sex who is NOT their spouse, THAT is a form of cheating. It is called "an emotional affair." (And emotional affairs are how many physical affairs begin.)

[RosaLinda]

How are you doing Cindy Sy?

[CindySy]

RosaLinda, it has been very hard the past couple of days, I miss him so much & I find that I am doing the wrong thing for my emotional support.
I have told the male online friend that we can''t meet & the reason was that I wanted to work on getting on my H back & he was ok with it, we text a little but nothing serious.

I have a hard time trusting myself after this.
I have not lost focus on my baby step I established on 23 June, I haven't see my H in 13days & all contact was initiated by him. I reply only short & polite & still working slowly on GAL.

He wanted to drop me off some $ he owed me yesterday & I left the house before he arrived. He had to leave it in our porch.

They were not kidding when they say that it was going to be the hardest thing you ever do

[CindySy]

Pyrite, WOW !! I had to read it several times because you have touched so many things that makes sense to me, so many things I was thinking.

I didn't intend on it, I was for sure looking for it & YES I was enjoying it....It completely made me feel special & wanted again.

To be completely honest, I did go & meet him in person at his house before I got to read all of your recommendations, I don't know what came over me, he only had been texting then one afternoon I was sad, he happened to text me & invited me over and I grabbed 2 coffees & I went.....there was NO attraction to him from my part, the conversation was nice & appropriate, but there I was meeting a stranger found on POF in his house by myself, no one knew where I was, off & on cell coverage....I left when my girls texted me to see where I was....I AM scaring myself writing this.

I realize that I am very vulnerable which I haven't been in soooo long...it scares me.

I feel that I am already over my head with him (nothing happened)but just because I am hiding it from my H & my kids...this is not who I am, but yet I did it.

and YES, my marriage, my H & my daughters are way more important then this, I am medicating with the wrong drug

I honestly don't think he wants platonic now that he seen me in person, but he does seem ok with just texting from now on (maybe he is just saying that to please me).I would not be proud to tell my daughters what I am doing, not all all !! He doesn't know my full name or where I live.

I appreciate EVERYONE on here, all your opinions totally does give me realistic safve options. ( I will remove myself from that online dating )site....what a crazy idea that was. Oley [censored] Im soooo mad at myself.