I had a good week. Weird? Yes, weird, but good. D12 and I went to Buffalo to see a singing artist D12 loves. This singer is all about strong women and embracing your girl power and has been quite the inspiration to D12. We didn't get to see the singer, but met her best friend which was pretty cool. The best friend took D12's twitter address.
Also, did some sightseeing in Oswego and along Lake Ontario.
I had another short counseling session with another author of a book on ADHD. The price was right and she was really affirming and helpful. Not sure she is right for the long term because the sessions are so short. It's been awesome to connect with authors of successful published books.
Still moving forward on my quest to find a counselor/support system who can help me push through some blockages I have. I want it to be a traveling support/coach/counselor because of my uncertainty about staying here. Also, I need someone who can help me with the perfectionism and anxiety. That's key. Seems to be the underlying stumbling block and the main reason I left Ohio. To free myself from some very rigid ideas of who I am.
We discussed my family some and the shame I feel about all the years of borrowing money/taking money to pay for the atty.
I've been exploring where all the anxiety started.
We also discussed how my employers have been sorta jerks which, in turn, mimics what I'm used to with my family/marriage. I'm in a situation, again, where I feel this tremendous anxiety at "being found out" for being this fraud who can't handle life. Then, I fight the daily anxiety of trying so hard for folks who really don't get me. It's a vicious circle.
Perfectionism + anxiety + not feeling "good enough" + fear of being judged again for not measuring up >>>>> keeps me from working/dealing with things I need to handle >>>>> avoidance >>>> fear of being judged/hurt again >>>> avoidance of possible support/people who could help >>>> isolation failure >>>> shame = Whole cycle starts over again.
Trusting my instincts and trusting God are not something that comes easily for me. I'm accustomed to always being in the wrong, which feeds the cycle. It's taken years to reach this point of self-discovery.
She validated my instincts to keep my Ohio "support system" at bay for now, while I continue to slowly create a new support system which fits my new life... or my authentic life, depending upon how you look at it. We discussed handling the shame over the money owed in a safe way which will continue to give me the separation I need right now to carve out my place in this world, without their interference and heavy opinion. This means continuing on my quest to imperfectly handle my financial situation imperfectly, learning as I go.
I have an appointment with another one next week who, again, specializes in folks with ADD/Asperger's.
Actually received some compliments from higher ups at work. It was acknowledged I don't hear the "good" stuff enough. They have accommodated my request for reasonable office hours since I didn't sign on to be a receptionist. I only have to keep the office open to the public from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.
I think it shows I'm pushing through the issues God wants me to push through. I'm facing the demons and being honest. I need to keep focused on my value.
I didn't get the job I was considering, but received some great feedback on my writing from the publisher. He was concerned I was just looking to regroup and wouldn't be invested in the job. He may have been correct.
D20 went to Ohio last weekend for a family event. She called me from the garage as she sat looking at my dad's newest Ferrari. She was a combination of frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and hurt. I guess there was some badmouthing of me/analyzing my decision to move to NY and continue to homeschool D12. D20 defended me and told them that I had been unhappy for years and deserved the chance to find my own way.
I'm very proud of that girl and impressed with her insight. Worry like crazy about her drinking, but really proud of the way she is able to speak her opinion. Don't want her fighting my battles and told her that, but proud to have a daughter who isn't afraid to speak up when she doesn't like what she hears. When he grilled her about information about me, she said she can't speak for me. She also told my dad he is very difficult to get honest with and explained she often feels it's easier to avoid him... and she thinks I've needed some time to get my ducks in a row before dealing with him. I'm not sure how he responded, but I was proud of her courage. He's not an easy person to handle.
I felt validated in keeping the Ohio "Heather" separate from the new Heather. I know D20 was hoping she would receive support, but said she was faced with more judgment. I knew it would happen, but kept my mouth shut and allowed her to find her way.
My mother is still my mother. Continues to promise to visit, doesn't. Still in some weird relationship with abusive stepdad. Still doesn't get me in the slightest and maybe really resents the fact I moved. I don't know.
I have so many issues to tackle... not just the personal ones... Financial, organizational, tons of small shid like a new driver's license, broken car mirror, D12's homeschool paperwork which is due again... etc...
Trying hard to celebrate all I've accomplished, the compliments on my writing, my willingness to shed all I've ever known, the fact I haven't asked for a dime from my parents since moving here in October, the fact I've done it alone in a very remote place with practically no support from my family.
I have a goal of getting to a place where I have a support system in place which supports who I am. I also want to be able to see my family and accept them for who they are... without all the shame. That's my goal for today.
Also, to be a kick-a$$ published author of 15 books.
I'm getting there.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
