Yes, you are right about the not being heard refrain.
When we moved to California, we talked about it a lot and I asked if she would come on my interview with me, see what she thought about California. She agreed that we should go for it. Now she tells me she resents giving up her career to come with me. We talked about leaving Caliornia after 10 years, she said she was ready to leave. She wanted to be a house wife. I said we cold make that happen and I will work towards that if that's what you want. Are you sure? She said yes. Now it's I am forcing her to move.
When we were talking about having kids, I was just talking in general about it and she said let's do this, now. And I thought Wow - now! And we did. She regrets having our second child and feels trapped by her responsibilities. She said there are so may thngs I do that make her crazy, I just laughed and said I am sure that is so. She mentioned that when I buy the wrong toohpaste brand I am not doing it deliberatly,but my lack of attention to details is a real problem for her, this she gets angry and her anger builds and she resents being so angry.
I have said so many many times that I could improve my listening skills. I can do a better job, I have said so many many times in writing, in person and with our counsllor that I am 50% responsible for the mess we are in.
In the beginning I begged her for a chance, that I don't blame her, we all make mistakes and we can learn from them. Don't do this to our family. Don't throw away 20 years, lets get counselling. Nothing but anger and stonewalling from her. That was mostly in October. I have stopped with any of that talk.
Ever since she started the A she is a different person. She is turned into a very entitled person. Her needs superceed mine and both of our kids. Its all what is best for HER. She wants the passion and that is parmount to her. I said a marriage is based on a lot of things, and yes passion is one of them, but so are the practicalities of life, bills, jobs, kids, etc... She does not "get that". She says she couldnt help her feelngs for somebody else and I said yes. You are right to have any feelings you want It's your behavior based on your feelings that is the issue now. She is angry at me for being upset and does't want me to express my feelings in any way.
She just wants out, she wants her lover at any cost. She can have her. Her lover is no prize believe me but she makes her happy. My W says she is at peace, with not having to deal with my pressure and expectations. I said I am glad you are at peace.
I try to not react, just listen, nod and say I hear what you are saying, I am sorry you felt that way, that must have been awful, I really regret that we are in this situation. I didn't want this.
She is angry at me and admits she is very mean to me to get me to respond. She admitted to goading me in action. I have said I don't respond to threats and put downs, just talk to me respectfully like an adult and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about. I said I don't let people talk to me like that. She said I am probably learning a lesson about how much work she did for the family and now that she is gone, I must be know that. I said yes, I miss you and all of your contributions, but we are doing just fine.
Its up to lawyers now. I am willing to work with her and have told her that I don't want to "get her" but we have to follow the rule of law since we can't agree on financial aspects. She agreed to that. I said we could calm down, stop this process, really think about what it is we want for us and what is best for the kids and she refused.
She said that would just delay the inevitable, divorce is the best option and it will take the pressure off her. She won't have to deal with my expectations and I won't have to deal with hers. We can be two separate people who will remain best friends and raise the kids together as a family with two divorced parents. I just nodded and said I hear what you are saying. I have to cut her loose. I am afraid she has lost any rational thought process.
I did notice today that she has big dark circles under her eyes. That was sad to see. I will take a few things she said and follow up "You said the other day, and I was thinking about that....." and see how she responds to it.
I will be glad when this process is over. I don't want to be married to her and I am better stonger person because of DBing.
