2 Post - learning too slowly

[asitis]

First, stop any hovering. Second, I like the "I hardly ever do that anymore." OK, define hardly ever please, and while you're at it, how about anymore when it has not been long since you have.

Don't try to determine what her behavior means. You don't know, and she may not know. This is part of why we try to detach. We just don't know, so we need to create some space that keeps us from being too reactive. The S needs to feel like they are no longer triggering you to respond, even subtly to their actions. Only then do they start to wonder what is going on. Only then do they not feel stifled or controlled.

She does not want a husband who makes demands on her right now. The online flirting/EAs are free of those obligations. See what is so attractive to her right now? Now, if you are doing anything that feels like you expect obligation from her, what do you think her reaction will be? Sure, she has sworn vows and has an obligation, but we are trying to produce real world results rather than make ourselves feel good that we stood for moral/ethical standards. Let her go and have her space. Don't go into her physical spaces. Don't let her feel the thrill of doing something illicit. Just try to detach and set boundaries.

So, what else does that mean. You mention that you are still having sex. Do you really want this? OK, yes you do, but now think about it in the context of her carrying on EAs or sexting and flirting online. Now do you? Don't you deserve better? Again, don't be I demand that you are faithful to me if you want to have sex with me or anything that smacks of "spousal" obligation (see above on why that will turn her off right now), but draw boundaries and then stick to them. If you really don't mind, knock yourself out. But if this bothers you when you aren't all hot and bothered by her, then consider saying no politely but firmly. Women are not used to being turned down. Men are supposed to be this hot bundle of uncontrolled sexual urges, and women are often shocked when the man actually turns down sex. It will get her attention, I assure you.

Other things to do. Get out and GAL. Don't sit around the house interacting with her. She wants space. Give it by looking for things you want to do with your time outside of your R. Hobbies, friends you have let fall by the wayside as we often do when we get M, exercise, trying things we've always wanted to but have put off. These will get you out of hovering and doing things that make her feel stifled, give you something else to occupy your mind, make you more interesting and attractive, and change the pursuer-distancer dynamic that is going on.

Don't go to bars or anything (other than to truly get together with friends), but get out of the d*mned house and away from her regularly.

You'll have a lot of other things to focus on (changes you want to make based on self-reflection, goals for yourself and the R, etc.), but from reading your posts, you really, really need to give her the space and not get entangled in her I want you - you are stifling me confusion.