Where I focus on charity and prayer

[DifRent]

Thanks for all the well wishes. At my mom's house now, just enjoying some wine and although this is still the saddest day since the bomb drop, it would definitely be worse if I were at the house. A bit irritated that my W has yet to respond to a text I sent about somewhat pressing housekeeping business regarding the boys this weekend, but then again, it's Friday night and someone else surely has her attention right now.

The boys are very happy, exciting stuff for them - so I am happy for them. I imagined months ago that this day would be hard, but that my W and I would also celebrate the bittersweetness of an empty nest you can share with a loving partner. Figured we'd have a nicer than usual dinner and enjoy wine on the porch tonight. We'd be happy and sad all at the same time, and look forward to our own new adventures and freedom. It truly [censored] to have had all that taken away so recently, and for this day to be nothing but sadness.

Wonka did well to tell me to breathe, as it was hard to catch my breath at one point - I have never felt so lonely as I did this afternoon. I cannot even bring myself to tell my mom the full extent of what's going on, she wouldn't want the details anyway. But of course, sooner or later, when we're moving out of the house and my W is moving into the hood, there will have to be explanations.

Tomorrow is the 24th anniversary of my brother's death in a car accident. A few years ago, I wrote a book about it, and in the book, I said that his death was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but because I came through it, I knew I could come through anything. Because something else might happen that would be just as bad, but nothing could ever happen that would be worse.

I don't know if I was right about that - because his death had closure. I think this sitch, with its layers and layers of loss has, at least for now, topped the list.