On silence and patience

[asitis]

Hey asitis. Thanks for coming back.

I've read sandi's threads several times. Required reading IMO in my sitch. I devour everything she says and I hope her current situation with family health issues gets better soon. She's a star. So yea, I could probably recite them word for word. I think it's the APPLICATION I've got wrong so far not the concept. I see GB's post and sandi's post complementing each other. Sandi from the mindset of the WW and GB from being a man in that situation.

So like I said. I need to reflect and try another plan. Right up the DB street, right?

Part of my point was that maybe not another plan, but that you might not see the usual signs of progress in a WW. You are dealing with 2 or maybe 3 other people (it can be helpful to consider the interpersonal dynamics of your W & lover a separate beast in itself that is driving both of them in ways you can't see). You have no idea what signs of change are going on in her A that are totally out of sight. And the conditions in that R drive some of her behavior towards you, and really have little to do with anything you did. And, then some of the things you do cause reactions that might appear as lack of progress (she gets angry and curtails contact) because she is realizing something very painful about her A because of your actions or her walking away from you. Others have raised ways in which reading the WW is similar to a S in MLC. The rules are just different, the signs much more difficult to read, and there is a lot of rollercoaster riding that is driven more by their turmoil. It requires more wait and see patience, as there is a lot of noise out hiding the signals.

So, not that some tweeks in the plan are not worth considering, but also consider that the seeming lack of progress may either be false or just harder to see as quickly. I can't imagine the difficulty doing the DB phone coaching from where you are, but one of the things I've found helpful with it is that I will relay what has been going on and my coach will pick out signs of progress that I and the folks here have not seen. They've just worked with a lot more cases and have the training to see things that others miss. You might consider it even though it might be both expensive and a bit of a PITA to do.

Keep your chin up!