I was of the impression that the language use on communications advocated here was to make sure it demonstrated a detached, non needy confident persona. Same goes with the duration of communications and ignoring the 'small talk' ones. I may be wrong but I've not thought about trying not to upset her. Heck, me breathing upsets her right now.
Still, it's nearly the weekend and I'm meeting an old pal tonight then I have S9 all to myself for the rest of the weekend. I think I deserve a beer on the way home.
Sure, TRY to communicate however you think is best and according to the plan you have adopted, but just do it.
Become your own expert. Neither me nor wonka are going to "attract" your wife back. She was attracted you YOU once....so BE you.
So who are you? Your wife is having an affair with another man and cheating on you AND your son. You need to be strategic as there are some legal implications when it comes to custody of your child as it appears right now this situation isn't turning around anytime soon. But other than that, you don't have anything to fear from being a fun loving amiable caring bloke who is direct and honest (to a reasonable extent this is still a war for your family and you don't have to tell your enemy everything) in his communications.
I think the disconnect maybe stems for the belief that the betrayed husband's need to communicate detachment to their wayward wife. That' not true. Your wife isn't going to magically turn around on a dime for fear of losing you as she sees you pulling away. The point of detachment is to BE detached such that you can engage with your wayward spouse without letting the nonsense and mean things they continue to say and do effect you and so you don't overly pursue them in a begging fashion. You detach so you can think straight, thus being able to more use your brains to think out and apply a more nuanced strategy to MAYBE save your wife but save yourself regardless.
Your wife could care less if you are detached or not. In fact, many way wards prefer a completely detached betrayed husband because then he no longer interferes with her affair AND, by being unemotional and appearing to move on, he fits perfectly into the typical neglected wayward wives rationalizations and justifications for cheating in that he's showing he just never really cared or cherished her at all.
"Detachment" as a means of attracting back a wayward spouse works when women apply it to their betrayed husbands who are compartmentalizers who love their wife AND their other woman. Wayward husband's with children also have more to seemingly lose so when their betrayed wife "detaches" and really starts selling "detachment" they are finally forced to decide and the OW usually is the one that comes up short once a decision is forced. Wayward wives love OM. They don't care and don't respond to their betrayed husband "detaching" other than to say "good, give me a favorable divorce, custody of the kids, the house and all your money you miserable betrayed husband who forced me to leave because you were so neglectful and uncaring".
Now this resonates with me. Ok, I realise now how confused I've been here. I get this. Big time. Thanks GB. You are forthright in your views and I admire them.
I need some time and space to think about this. I've asked a few times how to act what to say and, well you know. So with all the conflicting messages going I got my knickers in a twist.
Time to take a deep breath and try a different approach. So far everything I've tried has made things worse. Still gonna try though.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
