I'd add to the others' advice is that you want to be totally above board about it, so that H has no reason to think you are hiding something. It really isn't his business right now, but there are a lot of things he isn't seeing straight about. If you have a shared calendar (we do to coordinate on kids), put any event (coffee w/ bob) done on it. That kind of thing. You don't (and shouldn't) ask permission or go as far as checking in w/ H to let him know. Just if there is a way to subtly make it public knowledge ahead of time without checking w/ H.
We all need friends at times like this, and friends of the opposite sex are great at providing some insight into the S. Your H is making this mess, and you need to build a support network to deal with it. Very healthy.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Tread carefully Cindy. Is the male friend interested? Whilst you may be able to block this, you may not. Is it helpful - your call. is it OK?
A good measure (of anything) for me is ask yourself - "Would I be proud to tell my kids?" - if you have to also add ANY qualifiers, then you'd better start asking yourself some harder questions.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
MrBond, he's someone I met online, he is going through the same thing, the conversations are easy but I am afraid if we see my H while having a coffee in town that I will mess up everything.
Pyrite, the male friend is not interested (I don't think), I am certainly not. Why did you say to "Tread carfully"?
I find the conversations helpful, makes me feel not as alone & it gives me somthing to look forward too, now with the questions you ask yourself "Would I be proud to tell my kids" the answer to that would be no because I don't want to hurt them and I don't want any relationship either, but I don't know if they would think I'm looking.
That's such a great question to ask.
And what do you mean "if you have to also add ANY qualifiers"
I would lean towards not meeting this person. Just because you don't want s relationship today does not mean that you won't after you meet (date...) one, three, ten times. This is someone you don't know well, your H doesn't know at all, who has a lot of shared experiences, pains, and hurts.
Does meeting him get you closer to your goal of reconciling?
Tread carefully Cindy. Is the male friend interested? Whilst you may be able to block this, you may not. Is it helpful - your call. is it OK?
Originally Posted By: Cindy Sy
MrBond, he's someone I met online, he is going through the same thing, the conversations are easy but I am afraid if we see my H while having a coffee in town that I will mess up everything.
Oh Cindy, I agree with Pyrite, you need to tread VERY carefully here. I am not saying that all men online are liars but please look at what kind of site you met him on. Please look at what his motivations might be for going on that site. And keep in mind that he may be telling you lies to get your sympathy.
I met a lot of wonderful supportive men both in the Divorce Care group at my church, and on this very forum, men who actually WERE going thru the same thing that I was. These men were determined to do their best to save their marriages, and were loyal and faithful to their wives. Our conversations revolved around how to DB, and the problems that we and our children faced.
My ex also met a lot of women online, on his Russian Facebook site. He presented himself as a sympathetic character, with a cold bitch of a wife who had been cheating on him for years. He told each Russian woman the exact same story - that he was only staying with me for the sake of our children and that he was starved for affection. He also presented himself as a business man. It was a pack of lies.
So....please, tread carefully If this man truly is going thru a divorce and is trying his best to salvage his marriage, you and he might be a good support system for each other. You can lead him to this forum and recommend he read Divorce Remedy. And then support and discuss the best ways to DB with each other.
But I would keep your conversations online for the present. Do not meet him in person until you know a lot about him, and until he has proved that you can trust him by his consistent actions.
The male friends I made on this forum have been a true lifeline for me. It was priceless to have a man's point of view on my DBing efforts and my ex's responses. Now that most of us have stopped standing, we remain dear friends. But I have also come across men on this very forum who turned out to themselves be the MLC cheaters and liars. A couple were even on the DB forum to snoop on what their LBS was saying and doing.
So I reiterate, please do not meet this man in person until you know more about him, at least a couple of months.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
