I woke up last night in agony. I don't know what I was dreaming exactly, but I definitely recognised the pain. My mind drifted straight towards images of my W in bed with other man. I couldn't sleep again for hours as I worked through the anger.
It is almost funny how I keep inventing ways to knock back the pain.
This time I strayed onto the path that I was talking to my IC. Firstly it was my W, then a friend, then my IC. I try to get away from having conversations with my W, both in my head and in real life. I was saying how I can't be with her after this relationship with OM, and this, and that.
I noticed that these were all basically events. Defining separate instances in time. OK - maybe it is easier to put into context here - we look at our lives as a series of events. I had this R with W, then she had A, then we got D, etc. Giving all these events separate status. This is half the trouble. So going back to my waking nightmare - I can't do "this" because "that" happened.
In my conversation with IC I argued that this is not useful. My emotions don't work that same way. They are just all there, all the time. Sure different triggers bring different emotions to the fore, but they aren't really distinct in the same way. So lets try and think of this in the same blurred way.
I can't really, its too hard. It's like trying to draw 4-dimensional graphs. We can use movies, where we do have 4-D, but I mean statically. Anyway, I thought about long past Rs. The past in general we see as a whole. We can interpret it as a series of events if we like. For e.g. What were you doing 10 years ago? 5? 10 years ago, what did you think you would be doing in 5 years time? 5 years ago what did you think you would be doing now?
We can see the whole 10 years at once and it all fits. So what about 10 years from now? We can't see obviously. We can extrapolate from the past events, or now. but did that work in the past. Probably not. We didn't see D coming did we - well maybe we did, but we failed to act. We can't see the "event" in 10 years or all those in between. We can't see the future as a whole. Not until it is the past. And then as a whole, single events like A, spew, OM lose meaning.
Anyway, you probably think I am stoned or something, but this was a really long way to get to my main conclusion.
Imagine in 10 years time, at d4's 15th birthday. We had a party. I can see it. With streamers and ribbon and cake and family and guests etc. After the party everyone goes home. I am laying in bed and think back to the events of 2015. Events part of the whole 10 years that have passed. Single events like A, spew, OM lose meaning. I sigh that I went through a rough time back then. But I took the pain. I didn't burn my bridges. I didn't bring the hate and anger into my life. Instead I grew and became a better person. I did all I could, for as long as I could to save my M.
And now, on this wonderful day, I turn to my W and kiss her goodnight. Is she my W from 2015? Does it make even a little bit of difference to my story?
OK - you might pessimistically argue - 10 years. I dont deny I might be happy in 10 years. In a way that is exactly my point. You will be happy again, regardless of what you do now. Possibly you won't be in as good a position if you just non-DB your arse, medicate and burn bridges, but this will always be part of your history regardless of the outcome WRT our Ms. So why would we do anything less than give our best.
I never lose. I either win, or I learn.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
