It's a start. I do want to caution you not to OVER do it at the first MC outlining a litany of your "errors." That can be overwhelming for W. It also presents a danger of trying to audition for a starring role.
I'd suggest to dial it down. I will be back later with suggestions and ideas.
For now, I'd like for you to look up information on making amends through the Sober Nation website. They have good articles on the differences between making apologies and making amends among others. That is if you haven't yet visited that particular site.
That would be a good starting place for you to ponder and review ahead of your MC meeting.
You may change your approach after reading the articles.
When making amends, don't ever say "I'm sorry". Better to say "I messed up, how can I right the wrong?"
Taking ownership and responsibility for your behaviors and actions and truly understand how your choices affected others. Also, by making a change and no longer acting on that manner!
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” – Benjamin Franklin
Keep in mind that making amends isn’t about explaining yourself or your point of view across. It simply about admitting where you were wrong. This removal of ego, this willingness to humble ones self, is a sure sign to someone and lets them know that you are being sincere
Too often do we ruin an amends with an excuse.
Amends are about a genuine change in our behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology. We take on a whole new way of life. We stop accumulating fresh insults to our selves and others.
--- This has definitely helped. I was ready to blurt our all of the why's and how's and reasons, in addition to apologizing profusely. Would definitely have made it all about me.
Last edited by PigPen; 06/25/1501:22 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Tiny victory yesterday. At the conclusion of our email exchange to agree on a time with the MC, the last email I got from my W was her laughing.
I'll take that these days. Sandi says to never give up hope no matter dark it seems. Crazy to think that an email with some laughter in it is now considered "hope", but it's better than nothing.
Hope everyone is having a decent day in their sitchs.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Thanks teach. My W told me she's never laughed with anyone in her life more than with me. She told me that after BD too, so I believe it. The first time I heard her laugh I fell in love with it so it was a win win.
Fingers crossed that humor finds a way to soften her heart and keep me sane until it does.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hiya! Figured I'd drop in and give a little bit of advice as well. Don't know if you've read any of my sitch, but I'm actually a therapist as well. Think I could give you some thought provoking statements regarding making amends vs apology and how they work.
Apologies tend to focus on all the details of what went wrong. What can happen is that your true intentions behind the apology gets lost in the details and comes out as an excuse. We call this getting lost in the weeds, because it does not offer up a solution. "I'm sorry" is repeated way too much in our lives and comes across as weak and superficial in quite a few cases.
Amends are more solution-focused. Funny that, huh? An attempt to make amends identifies that there was a wrong and then seeks a solution. I think you put it very well that you would've gotten lost in the weeds and made it all about you. Instead, coming from a position of making amends shows you as strong, ready to admit your faults, and then work towards solution that is inclusive of what the other person sees as necessary to move forward.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Wow, that's gold Squiggy. Thank you so much for offering up those thoughts.
One of the things my W said after leaving was how upset she was that I would make all of these positive changes - changes she hoped for for years, but then I some other woman would get to benefit from them. She was upset at the unfairness of it all.
I want to show up to our session displaying strength across the board. Empathetic, yet not weak. Knowing what I want and how I'm going to live the rest of the my life. Listening to and affirming her experiences without needing to chime and defend my actions in any way.
I appreciate your thoughts and hope your situation is continuing to improve.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Interesting day yesterday for me. For some reason I switched over from the depression I've been in in the last few days to a bolt of anger about my W.
If you've read my sitch, I was a bit of a mess throughout my M. However, my W wasn't perfect either. I've taken ownership for my 50%, heck even for 60% and some days 100%. But yesterday I got really angry.
I started wondering if my W has done any of the work that I have. She told me that she went to an IC twice and the IC released her since she had nothing else to work on. "Come see me if you need a tune up" was what she was told.
She also told me that she's now gotten so spiritual that she doesn't have bad days any more. They'r all just lessons for her now. Perhaps I married the female version of the Dalai Lama and didn't know it.
I thought about how many times I actually did express my needs in my M, calmly and like an adult, and how they were ignored or marginalized. This was all in considering my role in the break up and what things would look like if there was a chance of reconciliation.
I'm not sure which is easier to deal with, the depression or the anger, but it was curiously a nice switch to hold the thought, "maybe things weren't as grand as I'm remembering them to be."
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Had a great day of GAL. Spent it at a workshop (had to stop typing since there was a couple on TV hugging and I burst out crying...amazing how it just sneaks up on you. Damn it, I truly hate the emotional roller coaster of all of this)
Ok, moving on.
Spent it at a workshop for a new area of my business. An area that I wanted to get in during my M but just couldn't due to the financial constraints of our family housing and the relationship I had with my business partner. After BD and my cost of living went down (3BR house to 600 sf studio) my partner and I had a heart to heart and came to terms with the fact that I wanted to do some work in other areas beyond what we do. I loved the seminar, and am so jazzed by the possibilities that exist now.
Cadet and GB had a conversation going back and forth about whether DB's and our sitch's were gifts. On some level mine is. It was a wake up call for me to stop living unauthentically and start living authentically. Doing so has changed so many areas of my life positively. In that regard I view my W taking off as a gift. Or at least, and with so much credit going to the amazing people on this forum, the fact that I've used it as a propellant for personal growth is a gift in an odd sense. I'm grateful for that.
But, during the seminar I was included on a group text from a friend that doesn't know we're separated, asking to visit. My W wrote back "Sorry, PP and I aren't together any more."
I had to get up and go outside and take some deep breaths to calm myself down. Granted it didn't ruin my whole weekend like it would have a few months ago, but was not what I needed during a time when I was finally detaching a bit, at least for a few hours. Everyday seems to have some kind of reminder that we're in this bad place and that this isn't a gift, it's just a really awful, painful experience.
My W was my best friend, and I miss her immensely. Everyday. I wouldn't trade her for my sobriety, but I miss her to no end.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
