Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[claire7]

Maybell,

Big big big hug to you. Again you seem to articulate so well so much that I can't even bring myself to put in writing. Struggling with anger vs fear of the grief that will pour out if I let it. Struggles with feeling overloaded. It's all there.

You seem to be in a stronger place than I am (I actually do get some time each week, and I'm lucky enough to work with some very supportive colleagues). I empathize. This is so tough.

I hope that knowing you are heard and are about helps. I hope you find time for self-care and can be kind to yourself.

I hope you can recognize the amazing growth in your relationship with your daughter.

Thank you for being here and for taking the time to share your story. It makes me feel so much less alone.

[Underdog]

Hey MB,

Good job with your daughter. I think you did a fabulous job navigating that. Believe me, it will come in handy in a few years!

My parents have been completely absent. Here I am with all this work and anxiety on my plate, and they have been completely disengaged.

Okay, from what you've posted here about them and your R with them, I have to ask why you keep expecting things to be different? It's like expecting a cat to bark because you keep wishing your cat was a dog.

I'm not making excuses for your parents and how they parented you. I wouldn't be close to my parents if I were in your shoes, either. BUT... in the interest of creating some peace in that dynamic, have you ever considered reminding yourself that they're doing the best job they can? Granted, it falls short of the bar you've set for your own relationships, but consider how they have been parented and how they have been unwilling to dig a little deeper to see what's there? Some acceptance of who they are might just go a long way for you?

and my mom's general attitude is that she doesn't want to come visit me because I don't say, "Yes, Mom, it would be WONDERFUL to have you come visit." She doesn't seem to understand how difficult it is for me to muster up that kind of enthusiasm about anything.

Um, Maybell, can I tell you that this is a complete double standard? You're expecting HER to understand you without actually extending the same to her. You're a tough nut to crack, dear. Think about how she might perceive you? Maybe pray for a little softening of the heart so you can meet her where she is? After all, you'd be willing to do this if this was you and your D12, right?

hey are ZERO help, except in passing on the second-hand advice they've gotten from their new friends in their retirement neighborhood (which tells me they've been gossiping about my situation).

And how is it different that you talk about D12's struggles here? Parent just care about their kids, MB. It goes with the territory, no matter how old you are.

Like I said, you can't change them. But you can change how you approach them. From the distance, I see a variation of a Mexican standoff. You want something from them which 1) I'm not sure you have asked them directly for it; or 2) you don't share how you feel with them when things affect you; hence, they couldn't change even if they were willing because they just don't know what you want or feel. You can't do things the same way and expect different results, and it's unfair to all of you to keep that expectation in the forefront.

Just put yourself in D12's shoes and maybe you'll come up with some sort of creative idea on how to be at peace with your R with them. Just sayin'.

One last thing - you touched on this in this post. It's the part about holding on to the anger to mask your grief. MB, I think it's beyond time to allow yourself to identify with what you feel and coming to grips about it. It doesn't mean you have to blather all over the place in front of your kids, but work toward some level of authenticity in private. It takes courage to admit what you did, so let mother nature guide you. Pray and meditate through your feelings. It's time to let go of this righteous anger, sweetie. It no longer serves a purpose.

Hugs,
Betsey

[SunnyB]

Hi MB, I said I'd stop by so here I am.

Lately my IC and I have moved on from H and M (honestly, he rarely comes up anymore) to my R with my mother. She's singularly focused on the hobby she took up after retirement, she can't even carry on a conversation about anything else. Support for my sich? Nope, it's not even talked about. But, I wasn't asking her for anything and I wasn't especially trying to be there for her, either. So, I've considered that I need to take a more active role in the relationship, and drop any expectations. Hmmmm...... where have I heard that before?

Anyway, I loved what Betsey wrote (of course) and I hope things start looking up for you, Maybell, dear.

[Maybell]

Betsey, I know you have a point on my mom. But my brothers have each stepped up and offered one really nice thing that made a material difference to me. My friends check in regularly to ask how I'm doing. Even my dad asks how *I* am before he asks about the kids. My mom does none of these things. If D12 (or the boys) ever go through a huge life event, I don't expect to tell them how to run their lives (as she did in the early days) and then spend all our conversations telling them how wonderful the other members of the family are and about all the progressive dinners I go to.

WRT STBX, I'm mad because I'm getting about 5 hrs of sleep a night, no exercise, and I'm working really, really hard to keep the house constantly in show condition. I get 48 hrs off from the kids once every three weeks (because he hasn't been taking even his every other weekend weight). I'm spent. And the reason I'm in this condition is that I'm dealing with the consequences of his choices (including buying a house that needs work in a new state after he had started an affair). I'm not going to stop being mad until I'm living with the consequences of my own choices, which hasn't happened yet. I know my timeline is really long, which is part of the reason I'm so exhausted, but as much as I'd like to be moving forward I still have to wrap up what's left of "our" life.

I do honestly just want this done so I can put my focus where I want it. But I have to finish cleaning up this mess first.

[Underdog]

Maybell, I relate to you because I was so much like you. So please know what I say comes from my own experiences and the ability to see things a little differently 12+ years later.

How you write reflects what's going on in that head of yours.

Betsey, I know you have a point on my mom. But my brothers have each stepped up and offered one really nice thing that made a material difference to me.

This should read (in your head):

I know you have a point on my mom. Thank goodness my relationship with my brothers is growing closer. I'm so grateful for that. My dad also asks me how I am before he asks about the kids.

Before I get back to this, go back and read the part about your mom doing the best job she can. Apparently, she's missing the maternal gene you so desperately crave. Try to forgive her for not being that person to you as a parent. You don't have to love her or do anything more, dearest. Just accept her for who she was and is and let.it.be.

You have a really structured opinion/belief system on how things and people *should be*. Think about how that is working against you now. From what you post, your joy is diminished by others and what they think of you, say to you or do to you. Is that true, Maybell?

Anger is a compass, sweetie. It tells you that there is a disconnect between your belief system and reality. It serves a purpose, but it is not meant to be a semi permanent state you dwell in. You're not supposed to have your mail forwarded there or get a phone line installed there either. It's a shelter from the rain.

That being said, I'll say this with a little more clarity. IMO, it would be a really great exercise to dig deep and look at your belief system through a microscope. List statements you think. Stuff like, "My mom should want a better relationship with me." Then take a look at your feelings and seek out the truth between those two things. I would highly suggest reading some Byron Katie books (start with the first one) before doing this. I truly believe that you continue to wear glasses that have an old Rx that prevent you from seeing clearly.

I again want to reiterate that we Aries girls share some things in common. I read Byron Katie on the suggestion of another former poster here for the same reason. It was an eye opener. Another book my adopted mom here asked me to read was called God Loves an Unmade Bed. It addresses our perfectionism and how it gets in the way of living a fulfilled, happy and flawed life.

I can see why you're exhausted, and I truly empathize with you. I've done this with small kids and one of them with intellectual disabilities. I get it. I really do.

So post back to me and I don't want to see any use of the word BUT. Take your time. Absorb truths instead of deflecting them.

Hugs,
Betsey

[mahhhty]

Basically I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting for the settlement agreement to be signed. Waiting for the house to sell. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Maybell... I have often swung by your thread but posted rarely. This time in catching up on your situation, I thought about posting my favorite Dr Suess.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

[RAI]

mahhhty,
That is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books. I have thought about the "waiting place" so much lately.

Maybell,
I was visiting your old 5K thread and job informed me about your move to this forum. I came over to say hi and lend some support. I read your new thread over here. I am so sorry that you are feeling so exhausted and down on yourself. You are being really tough on yourself. Your 3AM pep talk did not look like much of a pep-talk. Just let yourself have your feelings. You have been through, and are going through, alot. So many here admire your toughness and tenacity. You are still standing. I agree with Rick:

The way it works is that it boils down to your thinking. How you think of a situation causes how you feel and how others view you. The worse you think about uourself the more mistakes you are bound to make. The trick is challenge or stop your thinking as it is occuring. Most of the bad stuff you think about yourself is probably incorrect.

Don't waste time guessing how others see you. I suspect your insecurities may be arising a bit from "imposter syndrome". Just know that you got to where you are with your own skills and talents. Also,

Those Who Mind Don’t Matter, and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind

Like Mahhty's quote above, this is sometimes attributed to Dr. Seuss, as well. Stop worrying about how others are perceiving you. We love you, G-d loves you, your kids love you. What more do you need?

I am suffering from a lack of exercise, and I feel like I need to make some goals for myself that have nothing to do with work or parenting in order to feel like my own person again.

I was just thinking the same thing. You may want to pay a repeat visit to the 5K thread. I have issued a little challenge.

It seems like you are a few months ahead of me in the badness. Do you think I should be moving over to this forum, too?

I am going to end with a quote that I found on a very wise woman's thread. Tell me if you recognize it:

She believed she could, so she did.

{{{Maybell}}}

Best,

RAI

[Maybell]

Quick update. House sold. Plan A house is not in great shape. I've found a good Plan B house but it's further away than I'd like. This is disappointing -- I loved my walkable neighborhood and my kids' freedom. I haven't put an offer down yet. I'm taking the night to sleep on it and pray for clarity.

I REALLY wanted and valued walkable. But this house has every other thing besides that. So I hope I can come to terms with that.

Leaving tomorrow evening to visit family. Wish me luck.

[Maybell]

And thanks for all the wisdom and encouragement. I hear it and am sitting with it. My plate is pretty full at the moment but I do appreciate the inputs.

[claire7]

You sold the house! ! Congrats!!