Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[Painter]

Painter, thanks for checking in.

Question... did your H end his A straight away on his own after confrontation or did you have to wait for it to end? Would be interest to hear more about this.

H says he ended it with OW 2 weeks before I found out about the PA. He had the PA while I was away, but I had discovered the EA 6 months before that, and he lied about having ended that part several times. He denied the PA until I told him I had undeniable proof. I think he is telling the truth about when it stopped, though - based on his behavior.

What boundries did you set in your sitch and how?

Before I found out about the PA, H said he wanted to be alone, that he didn't want me to come home. I told him that was out of the question, that I would not be booted out of my own home.

Before I got back, he told me he had moved all my stuff into a spare room. He used to sleep in that room during the work week because of his hours. I told him that I was not vacating our BR, that he could sleep there or not with me, but that I was not the one choosing to move out. He was a little hurt because he 'had made it up so nice for me'. I said he would get to enjoy it, then - so he had to move everything back again...

When I found out about the A, it started with a letter from his L that I opened. He had retained a DL without my knowledge. I saw a L of my own and told H what the terms would be for a D. They were very different than what he had expected and pulled him back to reality very swiftly.

I refused to ML until we had agreed on terms for reconciliation - terms I set. I told him I'm not having casual sex with my own H.

Currently, I'm careful about not auditioning for my own M. I have used that expression with H and he gets it. He has bouts where everything I do, is wrong. He has a lot of resentment towards me still. I'm working on the 180s and GAL, and we are seeing a DB counselor (one of my terms).

My thoughts about what happened, is that OW boosted his self-esteem (where I was not admiring or uncritical) and fanned flames of discontent. She encouraged his anger at me. In that respect, I think she has done him a huge disservice and chipped away at his character. He has become a victim, self-indulgent and spoiled, and I think it's because she supported every complaint he had. He said she would always commiserate when he was ranting. It creates a strong bond, but it's a negative bond.

I have come to realize how manipulative OW was and how their relationship has impacted H to be less of man than he was. He has to live with guilt and shame - unless he finds constant faults with me to take the spotlight off himself and feel better. It will take an effort for him to find back to who he used to be.

After two week long trips like this, almost back to back, the last thing I wanted to do was go out. This past week has been hard because all of my friends seem to be on vacation. Therefore, I have been home too much.

Sounds like you need a spa day for yourself with a massage, haircut and manicure!

It hasn't been bad because H is opted to stay somewhere else on multiple occasions or comes home late. So he is not going to see my GAL, not that that is the main reason to do it. I am assuming he is staying with OW, but he is still in full denial mode on that front. He does don't tell me where he is staying and I don't ask. So, I feel like I have not seen him very much.

If H was having a PA, I would probably demand that he move out. I think he would quickly miss his home and be quite lost anywhere else. But - my H is 60 and has lived for over 30 years in this home. He is used to me taking care of a lot, from paying bills to taking care of his health needs...

I think what prompted the conversation yesterday was I wanted to get rid of the hostility and tension in the air.

Understandable, but probably not possible at this point. I understand the thought that 'if we just talk about it, we can figure it out', but it's not your old H you're dealing with.

I would be interest to hear more about how you handled the A and how your H got to the place of R.

Let me know if there's anything else... I think above are the key points. H made a decision on his own when he realized I was coming home - and I think that was the first step out of the fog.