Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[V2pt0]

Painter, thanks for checking in.

Question... did your H end his A straight away on his own after confrontation or did you have to wait for it to end? Would be interest to hear more about this.

What boundries did you set in your sitch and how?

With regard to his sister, I was supposed to say, ask H. Again, so he can control the entire sitch.

I was going great with getting out, GAL, etc. for the past couple of months, but I got a bit bogged the down the last month with work travel. These have been full on, go out every evening sort of trips. After two week long trips like this, almost back to back, the last thing I wanted to do was go out. This past week has been hard because all of my friends seem to be on vacation. Therefore, I have been home too much. It hasn't been bad because H is opted to stay somewhere else on multiple occasions or comes home late. So he is not going to see my GAL, not that that is the main reason to do it. I am assuming he is staying with OW, but he is still in full denial mode on that front. He does don't tell me where he is staying and I don't ask. So, I feel like I have not seen him very much.

I think what prompted the conversation yesterday was I wanted to get rid of the hostility and tension in the air. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do and I probably should have just stuck with it. Things had taken a negative turn with the most conversations about A and setting boundry. I think where I went wrong was going at from a place of anger instead of lovingly detaching and keeping PMA. But I was livid, as one would expect when you pretty sure OW has been in house/bed. There is only so far you can detach when the A has been brought into your personal space. That being said, I almost wish I woukd never had said anything and just detached. It was too much to not let him know I knew. I don't really know the right answer on how I should have dealt with it. All I know is my H and I went from having moments of connection to not speaking. Maybe it was ok to be the way it was. However, based on all I have read, the way for a WH to want to R is that they think the M will be better than it was before. Also to keep a smooth path home. I don't think either of those were the case the past 3-4 weeks.

I would be interest to hear more about how you handled the A and how your H got to the place of R.

[V2pt0]

It has finally hit me today, or rather, I am finally facing the truth after reading another thread. While deep down I know that I will be ok no matter what happens with H, I must admit to lots of fear about the possibility of what divorce would mean. No relationship with H, feelings of failure, financial ramifications (this is imparticularly hard since I have been the primary income our entire marriage and quite frankly it pi$$e$ me that I might loss 1/2 of retirement and savings), dating and all that comes with it, having the label divorcee.... and I am sure there is more. I need to work at getting over this. I know this is the most important aspect of DB. I just needed to type it and see it in writing.

[Zues126]

Thanks for sharing BW. I've said on my thread, this is something I don't think we ever really can grasp. It's like trying to comprehend the size of the universe. We start in denial, and then it's not that we stay in it, it's just so much we can never quite get our head around it. At some point you get numb and move forward, rebuild, and life continues to pass. As months and years go by you find yourself living again...but I don't know if I'll ever really be ok with what happened and the loss that occurred. Just mind blown.

So don't worry that you can't accept this. You're still very early on in your sitch. Just keep doing your best day by day and someday you'll realize you aren't in hell anymore.

[Painter]

Painter, thanks for checking in.

Question... did your H end his A straight away on his own after confrontation or did you have to wait for it to end? Would be interest to hear more about this.

H says he ended it with OW 2 weeks before I found out about the PA. He had the PA while I was away, but I had discovered the EA 6 months before that, and he lied about having ended that part several times. He denied the PA until I told him I had undeniable proof. I think he is telling the truth about when it stopped, though - based on his behavior.

What boundries did you set in your sitch and how?

Before I found out about the PA, H said he wanted to be alone, that he didn't want me to come home. I told him that was out of the question, that I would not be booted out of my own home.

Before I got back, he told me he had moved all my stuff into a spare room. He used to sleep in that room during the work week because of his hours. I told him that I was not vacating our BR, that he could sleep there or not with me, but that I was not the one choosing to move out. He was a little hurt because he 'had made it up so nice for me'. I said he would get to enjoy it, then - so he had to move everything back again...

When I found out about the A, it started with a letter from his L that I opened. He had retained a DL without my knowledge. I saw a L of my own and told H what the terms would be for a D. They were very different than what he had expected and pulled him back to reality very swiftly.

I refused to ML until we had agreed on terms for reconciliation - terms I set. I told him I'm not having casual sex with my own H.

Currently, I'm careful about not auditioning for my own M. I have used that expression with H and he gets it. He has bouts where everything I do, is wrong. He has a lot of resentment towards me still. I'm working on the 180s and GAL, and we are seeing a DB counselor (one of my terms).

My thoughts about what happened, is that OW boosted his self-esteem (where I was not admiring or uncritical) and fanned flames of discontent. She encouraged his anger at me. In that respect, I think she has done him a huge disservice and chipped away at his character. He has become a victim, self-indulgent and spoiled, and I think it's because she supported every complaint he had. He said she would always commiserate when he was ranting. It creates a strong bond, but it's a negative bond.

I have come to realize how manipulative OW was and how their relationship has impacted H to be less of man than he was. He has to live with guilt and shame - unless he finds constant faults with me to take the spotlight off himself and feel better. It will take an effort for him to find back to who he used to be.

After two week long trips like this, almost back to back, the last thing I wanted to do was go out. This past week has been hard because all of my friends seem to be on vacation. Therefore, I have been home too much.

Sounds like you need a spa day for yourself with a massage, haircut and manicure!

It hasn't been bad because H is opted to stay somewhere else on multiple occasions or comes home late. So he is not going to see my GAL, not that that is the main reason to do it. I am assuming he is staying with OW, but he is still in full denial mode on that front. He does don't tell me where he is staying and I don't ask. So, I feel like I have not seen him very much.

If H was having a PA, I would probably demand that he move out. I think he would quickly miss his home and be quite lost anywhere else. But - my H is 60 and has lived for over 30 years in this home. He is used to me taking care of a lot, from paying bills to taking care of his health needs...

I think what prompted the conversation yesterday was I wanted to get rid of the hostility and tension in the air.

Understandable, but probably not possible at this point. I understand the thought that 'if we just talk about it, we can figure it out', but it's not your old H you're dealing with.

I would be interest to hear more about how you handled the A and how your H got to the place of R.

Let me know if there's anything else... I think above are the key points. H made a decision on his own when he realized I was coming home - and I think that was the first step out of the fog.

[V2pt0]

Painter, thanks for checking in.

Question... did your H end his A straight away on his own after confrontation or did you have to wait for it to end? Would be interest to hear more about this.

H says he ended it with OW 2 weeks before I found out about the PA. He had the PA while I was away, but I had discovered the EA 6 months before that, and he lied about having ended that part several times. He denied the PA until I told him I had undeniable proof. I think he is telling the truth about when it stopped, though - based on his behavior.

What boundries did you set in your sitch and how?

Before I found out about the PA, H said he wanted to be alone, that he didn't want me to come home. I told him that was out of the question, that I would not be booted out of my own home.

Before I got back, he told me he had moved all my stuff into a spare room. He used to sleep in that room during the work week because of his hours. I told him that I was not vacating our BR, that he could sleep there or not with me, but that I was not the one choosing to move out. He was a little hurt because he 'had made it up so nice for me'. I said he would get to enjoy it, then - so he had to move everything back again...

When I found out about the A, it started with a letter from his L that I opened. He had retained a DL without my knowledge. I saw a L of my own and told H what the terms would be for a D. They were very different than what he had expected and pulled him back to reality very swiftly.

I refused to ML until we had agreed on terms for reconciliation - terms I set. I told him I'm not having casual sex with my own H.

Currently, I'm careful about not auditioning for my own M. I have used that expression with H and he gets it. He has bouts where everything I do, is wrong. He has a lot of resentment towards me still. I'm working on the 180s and GAL, and we are seeing a DB counselor (one of my terms).

My thoughts about what happened, is that OW boosted his self-esteem (where I was not admiring or uncritical) and fanned flames of discontent. She encouraged his anger at me. In that respect, I think she has done him a huge disservice and chipped away at his character. He has become a victim, self-indulgent and spoiled, and I think it's because she supported every complaint he had. He said she would always commiserate when he was ranting. It creates a strong bond, but it's a negative bond.

I have come to realize how manipulative OW was and how their relationship has impacted H to be less of man than he was. He has to live with guilt and shame - unless he finds constant faults with me to take the spotlight off himself and feel better. It will take an effort for him to find back to who he used to be.

After two week long trips like this, almost back to back, the last thing I wanted to do was go out. This past week has been hard because all of my friends seem to be on vacation. Therefore, I have been home too much.

Sounds like you need a spa day for yourself with a massage, haircut and manicure!
-----------------------------
Ok, after rereading what I wrote I am not just holed up in house like a hermit. I am exercising a lot, going for walks, etc. I am getting mani/pedi tomorrow, going to an international meet-up group tomorrow night, and dinner with a friend on Saturday night, so things are picking up.

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It hasn't been bad because H is opted to stay somewhere else on multiple occasions or comes home late. So he is not going to see my GAL, not that that is the main reason to do it. I am assuming he is staying with OW, but he is still in full denial mode on that front. He does don't tell me where he is staying and I don't ask. So, I feel like I have not seen him very much.

If H was having a PA, I would probably demand that he move out. I think he would quickly miss his home and be quite lost anywhere else. But - my H is 60 and has lived for over 30 years in this home. He is used to me taking care of a lot, from paying bills to taking care of his health needs...
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Well that is the interesting thing. I told him to move out. He said why should I move out. I said because you are the one who has left M and have A. He just got quiet. Then he was like ok if that is what you want. I said not really, but you kind of give me no choice. He is getting ready to leave for 4 wks work trip, so we are in holding pattern unti on he gets back. There was limited time for him to sort. That is why he is staying elsewhere, but will randomly will come home like tonight. He was somewhat friendly, but then just goes up to room. Almost like he wants me to start engaging first. Who knows.
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I think what prompted the conversation yesterday was I wanted to get rid of the hostility and tension in the air.

Understandable, but probably not possible at this point. I understand the thought that 'if we just talk about it, we can figure it out', but it's not your old H you're dealing with.
----------------------------
Yes, I am realizing my mistake in doing that.
-----------------------------

I would be interest to hear more about how you handled the A and how your H got to the place of R.

Let me know if there's anything else... I think above are the key points. H made a decision on his own when he realized I was coming home - and I think that was the first step out of the fog.

-------------------------------
Thanks for the info. As you might have read from another post earlier today. I am a bit frozen by fear. Try to let that go, so I can detach better.

[Matt777]

It has finally hit me today, or rather, I am finally facing the truth after reading another thread. While deep down I know that I will be ok no matter what happens with H, I must admit to lots of fear about the possibility of what divorce would mean. No relationship with H, feelings of failure, financial ramifications (this is imparticularly hard since I have been the primary income our entire marriage and quite frankly it pi$$e$ me that I might loss 1/2 of retirement and savings), dating and all that comes with it, having the label divorcee.... and I am sure there is more. I need to work at getting over this. I know this is the most important aspect of DB. I just needed to type it and see it in writing.

BW -

This is the hardest part. The fear of that unknown world out there.
My biggest fear was that I would just sit home every night by myself eating pizza and watching crappy tv. I'd just spend my life alone, with nothing but regret, reliving the last ten years over and over. Now, I know that isn't going to happen, because I was able to go out and prove to myself that THAT WONT HAPPEN. I will be ok, because I can be ok...because I choose to be ok!

The best way to show yourself that you can have a life is to go out and get one!

[V2pt0]

Thanks, Matt and Z. I know I will be ok. I was also thinking way ahead when in actuality I have lots of time to work on myself and GAL. It is still early. Need to stay in the present.

Caught H in another lie. Told me he stayed overnight on a some what local area trip only to find proof of dinner nearby for the same night. Clearly for two. It has to be hard to keep up the deception. Question...it seems that many MLCers make A public and live it right in front of spouse. Is it unique that mind is still hiding it?

Lots on the agenda for this weekend! Going to get mani/pedi on lunch break, Meetup tonight, dinner with friend tomorrow. H leaves for three weeks on Monday. Lots of time for ME! Have some fun stuff planned.

[job]

Your h isn't unique in hiding his affair. Many, many of them do...even after they have been confronted w/the evidence. My xh hid his affair "fxxk buddy" for well over 3 years until I mentioned something that I knew would cause him to slip up and say something about her.

Sounds like you have a full agenda for the weekend. Enjoy each and every minute of it because you are the prize and deserve to be treated like a queen.

[V2pt0]

I am assuming just continue to detach and LRT is the best course of action in regard to A? The hope being it dies a natural death while I work on myself. I am just trying to figure out if I need to be tougher on this and kick him out of the house, file, etc. I guess my confidence in how to deal with A is cracking. I know I can't control A, H, or OW.

[Bob723]

Hello BW,

A friend passed this along to me today. I found it encouraging and wanted to share it with you. Maybe you will find some comfort in it:

Faith…Trust…Hope…Confidence…Love…Attitude

{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain,
on the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH

{2}
When you throw a baby in the air,
she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

That's TRUST

{3}
Every night we go to bed,
without any assurance of being alive the next morning
but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow
in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE

{5}
We see the world suffering,
but still we get married and have children.

That's LOVE

{6}
On an old lady's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 80 years old....
I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience'

That's ATTITUDE

Have a happy day,

Live your life like the six stories above!