So Friday I will see W. I have not seen her since Monday. It was a rough last weekend with communication and the rest of this week has been email only.
She asked me to keep the kids an extra day but I politely declined saying we had already made other plans for Saturday. My son then asked if Mom could hang out with us on Saturday to which again I politely declined. Maybe she is reaching out and I am rebuffing her. Is that a mistake? This is what she wants - happy family - while she is divorcing me and has her AP. Fake Happy Family.
Now I am starting to get nevous about Friday. I know the drill, calm, cool, breezy but OMG it will be so hard.
Any other words of advice for Friday afternoon/evening? Kid Handoffs are hard and W tends to linger which upsets the kids. That is why we usually do handoffs at school so we don't have to interact personally with each other and the kids don't get upset.
Everything about meeting with her fills me with dread. I am so mixed up - half of me is dying to hug and kiss her and beg her to come home, the other half wants to smash a grapefruit on her face ala James Cagney. So I will walk the middle path and hope for the best.
I will have no expectations. FYI - I am a terrible actor.
My main problem is that I start to cry and I hate that about myself. I try really hard not to do it but it is impossible. I am not talking about wracking sobs crying but tears flow down my cheeks. I try not to make a big deal about it so I will just keep some tissue handy just in case. I do not want my kids to see me cry. I am also concerned that W thinks it's a passive agressive move on my part. I swear it's not, they just come when they do.
That was one of the harder lines I felt I had to walk with all this. All I can tell you is trust your gut, might be that your W is desiring 'family' time, its nice, a warm comfortable familiar blanket. My W was all about that, I allowed it but in retrospect there were times it was a face full of cake, when I finally seen that, I would make sure no cake eating ... but at times would still allow it to show her what she was missing out on, not so much filling her face but using chance to show I was the best choice, great father and a good man... not effected by if she was there or not.
I get the vibe that this time around you are making the right choice, you are not ready (to put on that 'show') ... and she could probably continue to use a dose of "This is what your choice is resulting in" ... its like a crockpot .. slowly cooks and takes time.
As far as your interaction... fake it till ya make it, go in "as If" you have had the most amazing week, and have enjoyed yourself ... but now that you have the kids you can not wait to have all that fun you have planned with a 'maybe some other time you can join us because I am so darn fun' type bounce in your step
I would review the paperwork by L and then put it on the back burner. It can be on put on a standby status. Your W has asked for more time to she can "save up" some money. Why not use the time to DB and interact with W in a positive way thus planting seeds in her mind of a new, improved Heavy?
I will review paperwork make any edits or changes that are appropriate and sit on it. If and when the time comes I will instruct L to mail it to her and pull the trigger.
My fear is that if she saves up for L that it will weaken my case and financial wins- maybe - and ultimately hurt me and my kids. It's like waiting her to save up to buy bullets to shoot me with. Sorry to use all these gun analogies but they seem to fit this situation.
Does this require a thank you? - Suggested draft is below.
In my mailbox today at work there was a leter - I opened it and there were instructions on how to get to Friday's event, parking and where the event and room is located. W sent that and I thought that was thoughtful. It helped me out and I didn't have to dig through the internet to find it which I was going to have to do.
There was also a check for June bills (insurance, etc...). I didn't have to ask for it, it was just there. That was thoughtful too.
Question - Should I send a thank you in an email? Should I just ignore, but I am trying to show off the new and improved Heavy and that implies a thank you acknowledgement that would not be seen as pursuit or groveling.
My suggested draft:
W
Thank you for the directions to the event on Friday. I appreciate it. I am sure S9 will do a great job and I am looking forward to the event.
Heavy
Thoughts for improvements are always appreciated.
I went to the chapel at church today and prayed again for strength and to accept His will. I prayed for my W and for her happiness and that whatever happens, I want her to be happy. Of course I wish it were with me and our kids, but if that is not in His will, then I will can deal. I prayed for the OW and her W and kids too. It is hard to pray for OW but I did. I think it helps me with detachment.
I had dinner with a friend last night which made for a good evening. Ididn't get home until 8PM and had a good Face Time convo with S9 and D6 and how happy I was that they are enjoying their summer camps. D6 said she has not made any friends yet, but I assured her that she would as she is so smart and clever. I told them I was excited to see them Friday. We were FT iming when I was in the car and they asked where I was, I said just coming back from dinner with a friend.
W was off camera but I could hear her in the background a few times. I was upbeat and praised her for the Minecraft Summer Camps decision she made for S9 and how glad I am he is enjoying it. No response from her but I am pretty sure she heard it.
Heavy ... I do hope Wonka sneaks in as she has become the DB-Email/Text Oracle
I am torn, not sure if a response is required but I would not want to waste an opportunity for a positive exchange filling that love bucket a little bit.
The fact W is actually doing small acts of service is a good sign, something I am digesting.
I forgot to mention, she asked for some paperwork on ou r old computer which is at the house. I dug around, could not find it, checked the hard drive could not find it and then went through some emails and found it as an attachment.
I sent those over to the W and she replied - thanks for sending these.
So email communication is a bit better this week. I feel like it pathetic to view such trivial interactions as "improvements" but I will take what I can get. Lol!
Matt says a lot on here though, "this changes nothing". I try to take that attitude when things feel like they're not going my way. W stops using my name in emails - this changes nothing. W takes three days to respond as opposed to one - this changes nothing.
You W contact an L - this changes nothing.
I agree with Cali, she may need to take this as far as she can before she sees the light.
Stay strong, keep praying, and keep being a great parent.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
