Does anyone have any input regarding the timing of telling the children? Are there any resources available - on this board or elsewhere - on how to tell the children? Are there any major mistakes to avoid? I wanted to meet with the psychologist first, but she will not be available until after July 6, which seems like a lifetime. I am worried about something happening before that. Is meeting with a psychologist beforehand recommended? Am I waiting for nothing? Should I bite the bullet and just tell the kids, with W present?
When came the time to announce it to my kids, I did two things. First, I reached out to a help line for parents in my state. Have you done some online research to see if they exist? They were fairly helpful and mostly, it felt good to have spoken to someone. The second thing I did was an Internet research. I don't recall all that I found, but it seems to be in line with what you found.
So that's how we went about it: We gathered the kids together after school and before dinner. I told the kids (3 and 6.5 at the time) that we had something very important to tell them. Then my WW announced that she was leaving. We explained that we had too many arguments but that we still loved each other — literature suggests that if you say you stop loving each other, they'll fear you'll stop loving them. Then the conversation quickly turned to logistics. D6 and I cried a little, D3 didn't understand much what was going on.
You shouldn't think that they way you announce it will have as much impact as the content of your announcement. It reminds me of when I was a teenager: I was so worried about how I'd approach a girl to go out with her. Now older, I realize that there was no phrasing that would have convinced her if she didn't like me in the first place. I see it similarly here.
By the way, I may point to the obvious, but it always surprise me the importance of reputation in your sitch. I don't think I saw anyone else here worry so much about it. I understand that you belong to a close-knit community and perhaps the rules are different there (any chance you're Hassidic?). I'm not judging, just observing in case this external perspective can be helpful to you. Perhaps you could think a little about what difference it would make in your sitch if you didn't worry as much about the reputational impact of your S. It could be a useful mental exercise to weigh the pros and cons of certain decisions, or even worries you have.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
