Time to bury the mustard seed

[mustardseed]

It is all data that just goes into your brain/computer for you to process. Even if you messed up, you have more data to use going forward. Which is good.

My mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

That is a good way to think of it. Now I have to pay attention to that data.

You need to detach from this man, for your own safety and sanity. Read up on it as much as you can. There are plenty of practical steps you can take - i.e. things you can do and think about during your day to work on this.

Tangentially, I always hated the "you need to detach" comments followed by no actual methodology to get there. I believe there are some compilation posts now which are very helpful on the subject that should be useful to you. I know for me, if I can think about something while I'm going through it, it helps me. Like cues for a golf swing (where are my hips and shoulders aligned...what are my elbows doing, etc.). If I can think about those cues while I am actually in a situation where I need to work on detaching, then I am able to focus on that and not the emotional side of what might be transpiring.

Again, my mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

I'll have to try that. Since I have been distracted by HNF I haven't given H much thought at all. But I know that is a fleeting thing. A distraction. And something that is not sustainable. But I recognize that it is a detached feeling. If I can find a way to keep that feeling without making things more complicated I'd be golden. So I need some healthier distractions.

Okay, good. Be specific and make an actual list with items and dates and whatever else you want. You don't have to post it here, just hold yourself accountable to it.

So a wrench was thrown into my summer of rebuilding plans. I thought I was getting a nice lump sum to cover my summer pay, but apparently, because I started mid year I was not given the option to have my pay checks divided to allow me to get paid throughout the summer. So I got my last check today, and it is just enough to cover one pay period. This really puts a huge rush on me finding a new job. I was able to pick up some summer tutoring work, and hopefully I will be able to pick up some more, which will keep me afloat, but will not allow for any extra spending. Surfing lessons might have to go.

I am terrified right now. I really thought I'd have a 2 month buffer, plus some unemployment pay to allow me some flexibility, now I am wondering if I can even meet the bills. I am fully buffered through July, but come August I don't know if I will have enough.

But what I can do.
1) Move this divorce forward
[list]
[*]finish the statement of net worth this weekend
[*]Meet with the lawyer to find out what the next steps are
2) Improve my physique
[*]start logging my food again. I am at my goal weight but I don't want to gain or lose anymore. [
*]start a strength training program. Aim for 3 1 hour work outs a week.
[*]30 minutes of movement activities every day. Walks, runs, swimming, surfing (if I can afford it).
3) Clean up. Get my house back in order.
[*]Spend at least 15 minutes a day on decluttering activities.
4) Find a job
[*]apply to teaching positions and assistant positions that have benefits
[*]Finish the paper work for the agency so I can do SIET work.
5) Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now you are working on you, and that is enough.

-PM

Ok. It is hard to plan for the future, but not think about it too much. If you get my drift. For example, I need to make sure I am giving myself a safety net, because I don't know what is coming. I don't know how much I will need. I don't know what my earning potential is right now. I need to look for jobs, but I don't know where I will be living, I don't know how my work might effect my custody issues. I need to trust that it is all in God's hands, while also getting my ducks in a row for some unknown journey.

Today, at work, I was so angry. My assistants really are nasty people. How did I end up with this bunch. They are all new to the school, and don't understand how things work, but they refuse to listen. A parent texted one of them to tell her that the student was going to be picked up instead of taking the bus. First of all, a parent should not be communicating directly with a teaching assistant. This was made clear when they first came into my room. Second of all, any changes in dismissal needs to go through the office. Even me--the teacher--getting a text message about a change in dismissal doesn't fly. So I told her, "unless she contacted the office, we need to put him on the bus." And they all started arguing with me. Jeez, I don't make the policies.

Then another asked me if I was excited that it was all over. She knows full well what is going on with me. I told her I was feeling kind of angry, especially because I had just found out about my last pay check. I said, "it seems like when it rains it pours." and she sarcastically said, "well, it seems like it is always pouring with you." I was dumbfounded. I said, "well, it's a shame that you had to meet me during the most tumultuous time of my life. I'm usually a very optimistic and laid back person." She then changed her tune and said, "yeah you have a lot going on" but I know it is all just phony. I honestly never had trouble getting along with people before. All of these women--the new ones--seem to have had it in for me from the beginning. The other one, who has been there for a while, was also on the receiving end. Although the way she handled it was to become nasty with everyone including me. I feel like they all teamed up together to help push me out and get one of their own in.

But it is time to move on. I have to stop with the paranoid thoughts. It is over, and hopefully something better is coming. This position wasn't for me. I wasn't ready for it, or perhaps just not the right person for it. My team was a disaster, and I didn't have the chutzpah to rein them in.

I kept up my spirits until I got my kids on their bus lines, then as I was walking back a beloved coworker gave me a hug and I lost it. I ended up hiding out in a friend's classroom until we were given the green light to go home. I really loved a lot of the people I worked with. But those newbies really were all so full of themselves. And having them put in my room--the forgotten room where we were left out of everything going on in the school, just fed their egos. Even down to the kindergarten moving up ceremony, they all wanted to walk down the aisle with their kids. Luckily the other K teachers backed me up with that. I liked seeing other teachers react to them the way they did, because I always felt so outnumbered and it made me question if I was the one who was wrong. Then when we were in the mainstream I was able to see that, no I'm not crazy, you are all trying to make it all about you rather than thinking about what is best for the kids. And part of it is that they didn't quite understand what their role as teaching assistant was. They were new at this. Just like I was new at managing them. Since I was an assistant for so long I was baffled at how they handled themselves. But I guess I failed to recognize that they didn't know what their role was meant to be, and they all like being in charge.

Live and learn. it is all data.