Need to stop pushing

[NDY]

Thanks mate. It was 2 years ago but it was pretty traumatic. I still believe that event is playing a large part in what's going on right now.

[Wonka]

NDY,

I am sorry for the L letter. Yeah, it blows. Painter has given you excellent advice.

Whatever happens: DO NOT leave the house. It is W who has the problem here.

As for FIL's passing away, you can send a short and succinct message that conveys your thoughts/emotions.

W, I will be thinking about FIL tomorrow and wish you strength as you spread out his ashes. I loved FIL very much...he was a good man. Take care-NDY

[Georgia Bulldogs]

One other thing I meant to mention. The L letter She wants me to leave now and rent somewhere. This is something she's wanted all along. Sorry but no. Not going to happen. When my L gets back in touch I'll make sure all these points are raised.

Once again, if she wants to leave then that's on her.

I agree with the person above....just keep your son for the time you want and what is fair. 50/50. But, unlike her, you want to seem communicative and not doctoral. Merely send her a calendar outlining the next couple weeks and say:

"I am in receipt of your lawyer's custody proposal and I reject that. Please find attached a proposed calendar dividing up our custody time with S9 for the next couple months. It's based upon a 50/50 split, though I still think that until you find a permanent place to live he should be sleeping at home in his own bed, just as I permitted after I was made to leave back in Janaury/February. S9 needs stability so let's just get this schedule done between the two of us so S9 doesn't need to feel up in the air everyday about what he's doing, who he's with and where he is going to sleep. Any changes you want to suggest, feel free to edit, but notice I'm not asking you to accept anything less than 50/50 and I hope of for the same courtesy from you.



Do some of your own research. Google "Presumption of shared parenting" for some good UK discussion and articles on the subject. Unfortuantely, it doesn't appear the UK has codified 50/50 as the starting points of custody cases, it does appear the courts strongly push having parents decide between themselves much more so than occurs in the US where, absent a 50/50 presumption the court is relied upon to "decide" and/or badger the man to acquiesce to whatever the mom wants.

Thus, you COULD be slightly behind the 8 ball IF this issue ever does proceed to a trial on the issue. Shared Residency Orders are the norm now, but not everywhere and it depends on the judge. I think this means that old judges still largely favor moms and the traditional notion that a child needs both parents but only one "home".

My conclusion. Stick to your guns of ALWAYS being communicative and ALWAYS trying to be fair about S9 without ever backing down or off of 50/50. Document when she plays games with custody and never let her document you doing the same (because you won't). Arrange a schedule and then be there for the pickup and then when she doesn't show...send a text and an email telling her she failed to adhere to the calendar, that you two should be able to agree, that this is not in the best interests of S9 and that you've adjusted the calendar accordingly (whereby you substitute her name on your day and add a day to your next custody time ...thereby every time she keeps S9 just adds time to your next visit and she has to let you visit eventually or she'll look horrible in court, if it ever comes to that).

She can choose to use the calendar or not. But every time you communicate about the schedule attach the revised Calendar for her reference. The calendar should not only document the future schedule but include the historical information since she moved out such that if you have to argue for extra days around a holiday later in the year you can point back to the extra days she had in June that you never required make up days for.

Just be the peacemaker, fair and always reasonable. You'd want a judge to see that you are focused solely on S9's best interest and can be (the most) trusted with always being fair and reasonable.


As far as the house. Take down whatever pictures you want. I suggested painting a room or two way earlier in your thread. She's angry because she chooses to be. she doesn't like the idea of you making the place yours. Your job isn't to avoid her anger. In fact, her anger in good. It demonstrates frustration and annoyance. This affair things isn't fun anymore nor turning out exactly how she wanted (with OM moving in and replacing you in her dream home). Further, imagine her taking that anger back to OM and the hours and hours of her complaining to him about you. How "romantic" is that?

Your job is to make your living arrangements comfortable for you during this most difficult time. Painting a room or two also will keep you busy and preoccupied. Find a buddy that will donate a pool or ping/pong table and move it into the dining room for you and son to play on. Maybe undertaking a project with S9 will be a nice father/son activity (teach him some working with his hands skills, maybe add some trim work and boys LOVE working with saws and tools). It's YOUR home.


Finally, with all due respect, I think the exercise of trying to analyze and glean some kind of information or insight from the sayings your wife hung up on the walls in your home is completely unproductive navel gazing. IF she bought them and put them up recently while having the affair they are merely fantasy wayward babble. IF she bought them before she was wayward they are indicative of her personality BEFORE she was wayward and not very applicable to the person she is today. She probably just bought them because the sayings AND frames (size, color, dimensions) all suited her. Maybe one saying more than the other but which one??? I have NO IDEA what actionable insight you could possible glean from this. The mind of a wayward is frenetic. She's focused solely on OM. It's a waste of time and a waste of your love tank trying to decrypt a meaning out of something that probably doesn't mean a whole lot. She was upset you were making the place yours and removing "her stuff" without speaking to her. It had nothing likely to do with her attachment to any particular phrase. Maybe wrap up the frame neatly and place them by the front door with a note, "sorry I took these down, I didn't know how much they meant to you but I was careful with them and didn't damage them, I've wrapped them up securely here for you to take with you". Just presume she was angry that you might have damaged them, not that she has any right or claim to how you decorate the home you intend to keep living in.

[NDY]

Thanks Wonka

Yea, the L letter blows even though I was expecting it. It's ok though. She was very angry at that time. There isn't anything in there that I wasn't expecting except when she hoped this could be resolved without 'litigation'. I've asked my L if there is grounds or does she intend to sue me. Not sure if she has grounds or not. Let the L sort that one out.

Thanks for the txt suggestion. FIL actually died 2 years ago and it's the anniversary of that event. It was quite tragic and her family go to that place as a mark of respect. This will be the second time they have went so I will need to change the text to reflect that.

[Painter]

Thanks for the heads up Painter. I'll make sure that happens.

One other thing I meant to mention. The L letter She wants me to leave now and rent somewhere. This is something she's wanted all along. Sorry but no. Not going to happen. When my L gets back in touch I'll make sure all these points are raised.

Once again, if she wants to leave then that's on her.

I remember H's L (when he was in litigation with his ex-wife) saying after reading a demand from the ex (read this with a Southern drawl): "Weeeelll... you can wish for snow in he!!, doesn't mean you'll get it!"

[NDY]

Thanks again GB. Good stuff there. One thing though I whole point out. I live in Scotland and we do have different laws here regarding custody and residency. The law is very simple. The court will assume 50/50 custody UNLESS a special case is made. So I'm covered on that one. It's the 2006 family law that WW wasn't aware of until I pointed to it during a mediation session. She clearly still doesn't understand what it really means. And as for residency. I have every right to live in that house. Neither her nor her L can make me leave and if it were to go to court she would need to make a really good case. My L is already all over this.

One point he makes is Ww needs to travel for work. Usually a couple of times a year and for at least a week at a time. So he's pitching that S9 residency is with me but 50/50 split unless she travels then he stays with me.

She also made a point about the bills currently being split and I leave for rented accommodation the bills stop (you don't get alimony in a 50/50 split). I've countered that she can do this and transfer all the bills to me instead.

[NDY]

LOL painter.

[Bob723]

LOL painter.

Hello NDY,

I had a few spare moments and wanted to see how things are going for you. Ouch. I feel Wonka had sterling advice (as always!). So did GB!

And Painter's line...so funny! Painter always make me smile.

Do your best to hang in there. I know, it is not easy.

Bob

[NDY]

Thanks bob

Thing is. Nothing has changed since April. The stuff in her L letter is almost identical to the stuff we talked about in the mediation session. I dare say her L is happy to say whatever my WW wants to say, but isn't giving her very good advice. My L, will pretty much do the same but he's impressed not just about my knowledge of the law here but also how I've interpreted it. WW isn't there, that's for sure.

But, the Calander. Yea. I'll set up a google calander and invite her to agree. Not tomorrow for obvious reasons.

One thing I'd like to point out to the group, and this is not mind reading. She think the house is HER house. By that I mean she no longer believes I have much in the way of a stake in it. That's going to sting. I dare say her L has advised her that I don't need to leave nor agree to her terms but she is entitled to ask (again) at a pricey sum.

To me that's just silly.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

My north Georgia mountain kin would say.... "you can wish in one hand, poop in the other....see which one fills up first"